gives me the shivers from the start, dreamlike flow and beautiful
Monday, July 27, 2015
Arthur Schopenhauer, Der Mensch kann zwar
"Der Mensch kann zwar tun, was er will.
Er kann aber nicht wollen, was er will."
Arthur Schopenhauer
Er kann aber nicht wollen, was er will."
Arthur Schopenhauer
a curious nightmare
It is not that i do not understand parts of it.
But... i was shivering for hours,
and i felt a kind of hint
dealing with my death and with my life.
I am dreaming. I forget i dream. I drive my car, the brakes do not work,
When i use them the car accelerates. I stop. I wake up in my dream,
go down to the car, quite worried. I check on the brakes: same thing, i hit the brake
and the engine roars. I am frightened. I decide to take the car to the garage
in the morning.
Something feels very wrong.
I fall asleep.
Suddenly my wife who died in September 2013 stretches herself next to me.
She looks at me, her eyes filled with love.
She tells me she is happy. But, she says, you know it was really quite painful when my
abdomen slowly filled with fluid.
Then she looks at me seducingly.
A bit later i find us kissing and both wanting to make love together.
I am now very frightened. I realize, she is dead. Stop.
Then the room moves, I am lost in space, a giraffe put her head and parts of her long neck through my window. The giraffe looks nice.
But i am filled with terror by now. My throat is dry, I cannot shout for help.
With my last strength I manage to get out of bed. This very moment a hand touches my forehead.
I turn, it is my dead wife again, so very real , so alive.
She says, i will watch over you, don't be frightened.
I wake up in a sweat and shivering.
Note: this is my blog. as far as i can see i write here what i want.
About 6-15 visitors see each post in a day. Maybe some can see
that they are not alone when they are in trouble. It is the best i can do.
But i write to myself.
But... i was shivering for hours,
and i felt a kind of hint
dealing with my death and with my life.
I am dreaming. I forget i dream. I drive my car, the brakes do not work,
When i use them the car accelerates. I stop. I wake up in my dream,
go down to the car, quite worried. I check on the brakes: same thing, i hit the brake
and the engine roars. I am frightened. I decide to take the car to the garage
in the morning.
Something feels very wrong.
I fall asleep.
Suddenly my wife who died in September 2013 stretches herself next to me.
She looks at me, her eyes filled with love.
She tells me she is happy. But, she says, you know it was really quite painful when my
abdomen slowly filled with fluid.
Then she looks at me seducingly.
A bit later i find us kissing and both wanting to make love together.
I am now very frightened. I realize, she is dead. Stop.
Then the room moves, I am lost in space, a giraffe put her head and parts of her long neck through my window. The giraffe looks nice.
But i am filled with terror by now. My throat is dry, I cannot shout for help.
With my last strength I manage to get out of bed. This very moment a hand touches my forehead.
I turn, it is my dead wife again, so very real , so alive.
She says, i will watch over you, don't be frightened.
I wake up in a sweat and shivering.
Note: this is my blog. as far as i can see i write here what i want.
About 6-15 visitors see each post in a day. Maybe some can see
that they are not alone when they are in trouble. It is the best i can do.
But i write to myself.
astonishing conversations? no.
astonishing conversations? no.
koans: boring or not. it depends on attitude...continuity, persistence, courage and hope..
koans: one can either ignore them or walk out.
else?
as said, communication is difficult.
it takes a minumum of two to try.
and two to fail.
some of the conversations leading to more koans
( roles of man and woman can be just exchanged...)
koan 1
man: is it ok without more words?
woman: if you cannot take words, maybe better not to talk anymore at all.
follows:
man: did you read what i wrote to you?
woman: words are shit. just be.
koan 2
man: i feel hurt by what you said.
woman: don't waste your time
man: it is too painful
woman: you must be in puberty
follows:
man: tell me what you feel
woman: i feel you are aggressive
koan 3
man: i want to be with you
woman: wanting is a burden. just flow.
man: i miss you
woman: really?
koan 4
man: i want you in my arms
woman: this is not love
man: it is how i flow
woman: you are immature
koan 5
man: i love you
woman: (really?) you say this with so much certainty
koan 6
man: tell me what you meant?
woman: i felt horrible (with you)
man: i am sad (i didn't want to hear this)
woman: you are unstable
There is a wonderful booklet by Ronald D. Laing, "Do you 'really' love me?
I guess everybody should read it who hasn't yet.
Really, there is no such thing as pure love.
And love cannot be discussed.
It is at the best of times presence and warmth.
And it always mixes with desire and frustration,
with the needs of the inner child which need to be
integrated, transformed, cared for and forgiven in any true relationship.
The needs of both, man and woman.
It is the same way, joy goes with pain and the day with the night.
It is not all opposites, it is much better to see it in the way of polarity.
And with a grain of humour.
Communication... i slowly start to laugh..,
maybe i can never stop anymore.
This would be so good!
We want peace,
But peace is not just something natural between humans.
Not so difficult: inside.
Between: often just a state of rest between impossible wars.
And this is not a matter of being bad or good. Not a question of guilt.
It is how it is.
But...is this not....very beautiful:
I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you
I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty that you are
But if you don't let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you
I'll be your mirror
koans: boring or not. it depends on attitude...continuity, persistence, courage and hope..
koans: one can either ignore them or walk out.
else?
as said, communication is difficult.
it takes a minumum of two to try.
and two to fail.
some of the conversations leading to more koans
( roles of man and woman can be just exchanged...)
koan 1
man: is it ok without more words?
woman: if you cannot take words, maybe better not to talk anymore at all.
follows:
man: did you read what i wrote to you?
woman: words are shit. just be.
koan 2
man: i feel hurt by what you said.
woman: don't waste your time
man: it is too painful
woman: you must be in puberty
follows:
man: tell me what you feel
woman: i feel you are aggressive
koan 3
man: i want to be with you
woman: wanting is a burden. just flow.
man: i miss you
woman: really?
koan 4
man: i want you in my arms
woman: this is not love
man: it is how i flow
woman: you are immature
koan 5
man: i love you
woman: (really?) you say this with so much certainty
koan 6
man: tell me what you meant?
woman: i felt horrible (with you)
man: i am sad (i didn't want to hear this)
woman: you are unstable
There is a wonderful booklet by Ronald D. Laing, "Do you 'really' love me?
I guess everybody should read it who hasn't yet.
Really, there is no such thing as pure love.
And love cannot be discussed.
It is at the best of times presence and warmth.
And it always mixes with desire and frustration,
with the needs of the inner child which need to be
integrated, transformed, cared for and forgiven in any true relationship.
The needs of both, man and woman.
It is the same way, joy goes with pain and the day with the night.
It is not all opposites, it is much better to see it in the way of polarity.
And with a grain of humour.
Communication... i slowly start to laugh..,
maybe i can never stop anymore.
This would be so good!
We want peace,
But peace is not just something natural between humans.
Not so difficult: inside.
Between: often just a state of rest between impossible wars.
And this is not a matter of being bad or good. Not a question of guilt.
It is how it is.
But...is this not....very beautiful:
I'll be your mirror
Reflect what you are, in case you don't know
I'll be the wind, the rain and the sunset
The light on your door to show that you're home
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you
I find it hard to believe you don't know
The beauty that you are
But if you don't let me be your eyes
A hand in your darkness, so you won't be afraid
When you think the night has seen your mind
That inside you're twisted and unkind
Let me stand to show that you are blind
Please put down your hands
'Cause I see you
I'll be your mirror
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