Diário de serenidade

it doesn't matter what i do as long as i don't want to do something.

i could sleep now...

Cuidado: buying no trousers

i tried to buy trousers here in  El Corte Inglés. 

no. minimum length all 34, i don't like to walk on but in them. need 32.

orange juice, stopped thinking, no plans now.

i see various people walking across.

fat women carrying their belly proudly in front of them, walking upright with a smile. i see a slim one, bent over, no strength left, her head wobbling towards her chest with each step. i see men with a gait as if they would use nappies, tight arsed and vane. 

i notice i am still very tired.

so, i have written enough.

next to me a portuguese chat between friends, coffees on the table.

it is still relaxing to understand only few singled out words. no stories. i am resting.

a certain dis-orientation

there is

no

i hear

yes

a call

a cry

a siren

a sigh

a song

a melody

foxes, crows,

meteorites,

shooting stars,

owls, echoes

of cuckoos

and rainbows

i listen

i do not know

what it is

where it starts

where it ends

no, not noise

it goes with silence,

grows out of suffering

and out of joy,

flows into the night

and meets me

when i wake

to the mornings

deep and disturbing,

the imminence of

birth and death

i walk out

ready to be slaughtered

together with others,

animals, cauliflowers,

humans

and each day

i am astonished

to be alive

and not so sure

what it may mean

peace

whereever i am

i am alone

and wherever i am

i long for call it heaven

or call it death

i long for my home

in the stars

as you do

and wherever i am

i have longed for you,

to touch me,

to walk home

together with me

i have longed

to love you

as i love myself

to live and to die

with wonder:

and love is wonder

i have longed

to love you

more than you

love yourself

to take you to the river

where we can swim

and flow into the sea

slowly, unerringly,

firm, hand in hand

i have i think

longed for you

before i was born

and i was born blind

and i lived in confusion

in anger, in loss, in pride,

in words and in thoughts

now i am here

i have been with you

before you were born

and i will stay.

there is nowhere

else but fate

with my last smile

i want to meet yours.

a kiss is a kiss,

time is not real.

and though we must die,

we can grow now

as flowers rise out

of dry tree stumps

and find peace

in the dance with the wind,

silently moving here,

caressed by shade and sun

until we sink into the 

green grass and sleep

unforgotten by dreams,

singing at night

we will go

and it will  be good