language, words, re-discovery

thoughts ... words are only alive because of the human using them. at the same time they have a difficult background meaning rooted in personal taste and experience, in history and in sociological context. but to analyze words coming from another human is to analyze this human. it is to find access to another human through language. and this is so much more difficult via written words than in spoken language and presence.

meaning: whatever i write will be misunderstood. 

but then, i can re-discover myself in these misunderstandings.

a challenging process.

Marrakech, Thé a la menthe

first snow, 6 december 2014

darkness

this is the dark time

of the year, when

black tides roll over 

the moving land

these are the nights,

long and filled with rumbling

when the wind roars

in the chimneys

and blows through windows

and you shiver in bed

and wake in dense blackness

creeping into your soul

there is nobody

but blood drumming

in your ears

and listening is all

what remains.

it is, they say,

what stays alive

longest when you die.

there is nothing to feel

next to you,

not even in mind,

all is bleak.

and you wait

for a full moon

to shine on frozen worlds

snow softly falling

bringing silence

and the breath of roots

covered may green

in your soul.

though hope

appears so far

you know

a new life will rise

and then

you sleep

in domes of blue

letting all go.

you do not know

the promiss of mornings.

they do not disturb

the rhythm of such night,

of such sleep.

now in the deep

i am alone.

sand between my fingers: the firemen's shuffle

love is a word

words live

but it is too delicate

i spread my hand

and words turn to 

sand and ashes

they will mingle

and green grass

will sprout up there

i trod on a spiderweb

and tripped over

my ankle hurts

tears are in my face

in my shoes, 

they form a puddle

it looks clumsy

i talk to a door,

it is a real door,

i called a name

but the answer

was expected.

the door is a door,

shut,closed, bolted.

so i am a child

who has nobody to play.

from far away

i hear mantras

they do not reach

me, i see mandalas,

they sink into themselves,

cannot draw me in.

i see doctors

with pills against suffering,

liars, all i would need

is presence.

i see a substitute universe

filled with impossible promisses,

escape into eternal skies

of detached happiness.

why,machines can do that.

no lies and gurus needed.

a lobotomy will do.

best going with castration.  

this my friends,

this,

is the secret of adult

life:

go,

be peaceful,

let things happen 

to you,

let your blood

flow

until it seeps allover

the orderly floor 

of hospitals

and nursing homes

and fcn,

don't make a fuss

about it

or anything.

be quiet,

be peaceful,

what does not come today

comes tomorrow.

maybe of course.

well, now getting desinfected,

should i work on it,

re-arrange intestines,

stitch up oozing brains

and wombs and hearts?

no, fear is the root

of sublimation,

evolution has its price,

it lives in palaces of wind

and spirits become

lonely ghosts

holding flowers

in withering hands

i can write

but my hand will

fall off like a leper's

unnoticed

dead words

aborted visions

driftwood

broken dreams

i cannot

love

alone.

sadness, solitude,

loneliness, my sisters

took me to the moon.

but tomorrow,

tomorrow i will listen

to the birds

singing the new day

i can die

again

later.

i can be

in a wheelchair

dumb and deaf

later.

the crows called me

black and noisy

they said

i am still a man

and i should

call my desire

through the evening skies

and sleep in the trees.

the sheep came

and they told me

come closer

we keep you warm.

the cats

walked up to me

they purred

and gave me comfort

dogs sniffed 

at my hands

and put their

heads on my knee.

women came

and took off

their clothes

and mine.

i let them do

as they pleased

and i let them go.

friends came

to talk to me,

so what,

it does not change

my way.

i let them go.

i will not follow

their path.

i don't hold on,

they might make me

stumble more

when i am not aware

horses, yes horses

are free

but even they

come and kiss me.

i didn't try

with crocodiles,

vipers, giants,

fairies, but yes,

maybe monsters.

we being human

live in darkness

and have to feel

our way

walking in light

open eyed:

morituri te salutant.