was a numb day: says i felt numbed

i stand still, see my grey and bleak tracks in the snow, all light dimmed
by a dark winter's day.
A cold wind attacking the bamboo in my brother's garden,
my family safely inside.
At night there has been a storm bending the trees behind my house..
still, i stand and see me next to me,
not inside but in exile even quite physically.

i remember i am here with a soft beautiful hope, a bud
hidden in the deep, but i cannot reach me, not now.

living in the memory of  this, alive for days,
alive, alive,
now seeing i am in transition.
there are no promises, and i trust only in me.


and even when a kiss,  embrace and softness
will be tender signs of flowering,
and even though i feel a hope born
and faith hovering on my windowsill,
and even when i know i am not lost
nor given up,
and though i am not waiting
but in a time of probation where i must
take and give the time for the soul taking seed,
even though i feel flashbacks of injury, hurt,
obscenity and dissection, the pain of deprivation in soul
and skin for too long and for too often,
even though i fall in traps and feel numb,
i don't fall so deeply now.

to be in love is salt and pepper, it is a gate to joy and pain and
stays alive with recognition of essence.

to love is a process not a statement.

i always knew and now experienced that  openness to hurt
and the will to understand each other are the first steps from where to
walk on, wheresoever. i don't know.

i never knew and maybe i never will.

one i know, to avoid essential conflict is a brake
destroying  impulse, intention and spontaneity, two i know that floating
on the water's surface  in bad weather is near to drowning, three i know
is that integrity paired with an ability to see the other one's is a fundament
and four i know that this integrity is not the same now than yesterday.
and five i know that it is a sin not to follow one's heart.

but, today, with my over-sensitivity  for storms coming, always,
storms, moon, earthquakes,
i had been next to me, taken by migraine and an unexplainable
numbness on which the snow fell all day.

on days like this, i rebel against my own civilization, i bear a deep disgust for politeness,
i should so much like to be at least sometimes primitive, a wíld animal running the
forests and fields-no doubt, thought and self consciousness clouding my immediate
being and will and disturbing my sleep.
and in this condition i am always again surprised by the flow
of kindness from others and from even me. i cannot see the source in me now.
but it gives me a smile.

my grandson was here with sweet trust ,open, playful, imitating and creating,
singing, flowing like a  joyous streamlet.
it feels so wrong, so weird, to stand next to me again and again
in the mid of all this happening.

as said before, egocentricity is a bourgeois luxury and misery and
makes me rightly feel a shit.

so, i am not unhappy, and i go to sleep, giving up to mirror myself
and letting me go in the rivers of life and transition,
trusting that i won't stop breathing.
and nearer..closer...to me,to all and to  who is "you" in your transition.
maybe.

on trauma and the effects of fear, quotes, brainpickings.org, Bessel van der Kolk, The Body keeps the Score

"Being a patient, rather than a participant in one’s healing process, separates suffering people from their community and alienates them from an inner sense of self."

                        note: 
                        as a medical doctor working with and accompanying all kinds of suffering 
                       THIS first quote i found extremely important. 
                        NOBODY shall STAY a PATIENT!

"Social support is not the same as merely being in the presence of others. The critical issue is reciprocity: being truly heard and seen by the people around us, feeling that we are held in someone else’s mind and heart. For our physiology to calm down, heal, and grow we need a visceral feeling of safety. No doctor can write a prescription for friendship and love: These are complex and hard-earned capacities. You don’t need a history of trauma to feel self-conscious and even panicked at a party with strangers — but trauma can turn the whole world into a gathering of aliens."

"Physical self-awareness is the first step in releasing the tyranny of the past."

"Many people feel safe as long as they can limit their social contact to superficial conversations, but actual physical contact can trigger intense reactions. However … achieving any sort of deep intimacy — a close embrace, sleeping with a mate, and sex — requires allowing oneself to experience immobilization without fear. It is especially challenging for traumatized people to discern when they are actually safe and to be able to activate their defenses when they are in danger. This requires having experiences that can restore the sense of physical safety."

"The elementary self system in the brain stem and limbic system is massively activated when people are faced with the threat of annihilation, which results in an overwhelming sense of fear and terror accompanied by intense physiological arousal. To people who are reliving a trauma, nothing makes sense; they are trapped in a life-or-death situation, a state of paralyzing fear or blind rage. Mind and body are constantly aroused, as if they are in imminent danger. They startle in response to the slightest noises and are frustrated by small irritations. Their sleep is chronically disturbed, and food often loses its sensual pleasures. This in turn can trigger desperate attempts to shut those feelings down by freezing and dissociation."

"All of us, but especially children, need … confidence that others will know, affirm, and cherish us. Without that we can’t develop a sense of agency that will enable us to assert: “This is what I believe in; this is what I stand for; this is what I will devote myself to.” As long as we feel safely held in the hearts and minds of the people who love us, we will climb mountains and cross deserts and stay up all night to finish projects. Children and adults will do anything for people they trust and whose opinion they value. But if we feel abandoned, worthless, or invisible, nothing seems to matter. Fear destroys curiosity and playfulness."

The Body keeps the Score. Bessel van der Kolk

Note: enlightening reading and profound insight

conflict, avoidance, understanding

"Avoidance is the best short-term strategy to escape conflict,
and the best long-term strategy to ensure suffering."


"If you avoid conflict to keep the peace,
you start a war inside yourself."


"The goal of resolving conflict in a relationship
is not victory or defeat.
It's reaching understanding
and letting go of our need to be right."

These are three quotes i found in the net.
I like all three of them as points of reference.
The last one describes the process which one can call
fundamental for the transformational process of "love",
a passion and and openness to understand each other.

sorry, these quotes here without authors

Patti Smith singing Crystal Ship (w/Tom Lardner)

stolen, like it a lot this way

Keith Jarrett , Days of Wine and Roses

Keith Jarrett ,Paint My Heart Red

Eberhard Weber ,Pendulum [FULL ALBUM]

DEAD COMBO,Viuva Negra

from South through days

soft and tender moments, not to forget...