suicide note: but i think i will be too lazy

if i should ever
kill myself
it will be final
and nobody's fault
but mine.

no, this is not a poem.
but of course,
just as everybody else
i think about it,
i thought about it

it can happen,
i sit under a tree,
i cannot fire
two rounds,
one bullet is enough

i will not hear
the shot, nothing,
and even if,
it will be too late.
but usually i go

and take a coffee
or a glass of vodka,
maybe listen to music,
fall asleep,
too lazy to go out

in the end, i guess,
whenever depressed
suicide will be impossible
just due to adaptation
and to laziness


i guess, to be lazy
is a sign of intelligence,
another day will come,
we sleep, we walk a bit
and the weather changes

it is just some days
enough is enough.
but i know, still i know,
no, tomorrow will be
another kind of day


and in the end i shall die,
when i had enough, anyway.
until then enough is not enough,
and i still can see light
here, where i am, right here.

even now, at night,
in the darkness of uncertainty,
in the turmoil of desire,
in the wars between all of us,
i can still see this light.

it must be enough.
this must be enough.
until.

i share as i know i am not so much alone

Manfred Mann's Earthband - father of day father of night

Eddie Vedder - You Can Close Your Eyes (w/Natalie Maines)

Eddie Vedder - Without you

Waterboys • The Whole of the Moon • 1985 Concert

glimpses of a day and a night

wings of desire,wim wenders

Erik Satie - Notturno nr. 1 - Yuju Takahashi - ***Paul Gauguin

Soap&Skin - the sun

just stolen as it relates to my poem on saudade

Saudade: trying to learn

Saudade: trying to learn

maybe this is
saudade.
my cat snores
and i cannot sleep

maybe this is
saudade.
the rain creeps
into my heart,

and i am lonely
as a bird's call
at night,
a flutter of wings,

they are not mine.
the grey sky
kept me  grounded,
i cannot rise.

yes, i remember
with each breath
we will be together
in dreams and

in the salty ocean,
foaming and moving
behind the horizon,
tidal waves

sucking each step
in and out,out and in,
deafening the voice
of this sadness,

and it will take away
all words and thoughts
as they are nothing,
nothing at all

but what they are,
they do not swim,
they will all die.
maybe this is

saudade.
i have no place to go,
and where i walk,
there are holes in the floor.

only, please hold me
for a moment,
or i may fall
into my darkness,

our darkness of old,
or maybe i will come
and laugh, laugh
about all and nothing at all.

maybe this is
saudade,
to fall and rise,
to forget .

maybe this is
saudade,
to step out of shadow
and just be there

in the sun,
the blinding sun,
maybe,
but to see again

with the eyes
of the hawk coming
through clouds,
to move into the wind,

into the sound of stars.
maybe to meet and smile,
maybe even this is:
saudade ?

or can we lose
what we do not need
and be free,
can we fly?

i do not know:
this is
saudade.