to meet death

i have to write a poem which i cannot write because i have to dream a dream which i cannot dream. i wake up nearly each night because i cannot go there...i experienced a terrifying loss last year. i went through the void. i came out. i dreamt of meeting somebody whom i could love and share with. it was a dream. i fell into the void again, but mind you, as much as this void is and has always been deep in myself, i am out and here. well,not just here. but how can you write a poem about your most terryfing experience: you meet death and you want to go through the gate, from one moment to the other, not frightened, smiling, filled with longing- and you don't know at all what happened to your mind? i am deeply worried that whatever i should write it will be just like a hollywood film of a very good book, cheap. this is where i am. i am not smiling. and i don't really know how to say this.