relevance of a human

today, travelling. from Marrakech to Berlin where i found near to 20 cms of snow on my car. on board of the plane, reading Murakami,Colorless Tsukuri Tazaki and his years of pilgrimage.excellent. and dreaming, feeling, thinking. always , i try to run away from what is most important for me. an old feeling of fear of attachment, of experiences of loss and failure. always, before experiencing possible loss i tend to try and avoid it by running away. sitting in this plane an incredible feeling of warmth for another human being filled me again, as before, for a long time now, light, even happiness. feeling has no reason. i thought what i would feel if the plane dropped and crashed. no crying, not wasting time, no whimpering, just extremely intensified perception in slow-motion. what am i, what would be important in my last thoughts? well, though i have done some bad things and some good things, i cannot be very important, i will cause some short-term trouble for a few people depending on me in some parts. i will be forgotten easily, washed away like sand  on the beach. maybe i am less than a fly in the universe , a fly carrying a spark of light, nothing to care for much. and i will have been nothing if i didn't fight for the only woman i ever loved as a human.i would regret this in the act of dying.

i think , well, i should think about my own relevance and about other humans needs and about what is essential in my life always as if  i could die in a few 

minutes.


“The habit of despair is worse than despair itself.”
A.Camus