diary notes at night

There is a hailstorm outside, thunder, lightning, end of April

during the last months i lost the ability to fall asleep:
it wouldn't matter always so much: but i have to get up mornings and work.
it has grown like a bad habit.

and although i am retiring more into myself again now,
into silent places,
and i can taste peace and happiness returning,
i let so much happen to me, and it is hard to let go.

The simple act of reaching out turned into a fight against
windmills, and i met once more in life the core of my own instability.


Going out i had left my center, and though  a joy to share presence and experience,
just to stay open would have been enough.

i cannot even talk now,tonight, about love, desire, longing.
I can talk about the wind, and i feel like a raindrop
about to fall from a leaf.

I have come to a point where i don't know what i want anymore,
and where i mistrust my feelings.
This can be a starting point to inner freedom, and it is a starting point for
another change and shedding of garments.

Whichever way i go now and whatever happens when i change,
i do not know where it will lead to.

I will accept this as there is no alternative.

I cannot sleep because i fear the consequences of this
change inside me.

I fear to gain and to lose my heart at the same time.
I must trust in life and in my part of it.

I do not pray , i find to meditation again more,
after tears and storms passed, i start to cry tears
for this world and for every suffering living being here.
There is no aim, it is  a process. I come to see clearer
and to walk out of my heaviness.

But it will remain an act on a tightrope.
I step on it, below is nothing, above is nothing.
When i take a hand it may pull me down.

This is not a nice thought.
Life is disorderly, death is included,
and the risk is there anyway at all times.

Control is not an aim, just a means to stay
on the rope.

So, well, thanks to life, i will forget about this
rope again and just go ahead.
After all there are flowers, green meadows,
apple orchards and laughs.

I can hear me laughing.