how do i sleep

how do i sleep
with a restless
heart,
why must this be?

i don't want to
be king in a
land of ghosts,

i don't want to rule
but  dance
and listen to birds

i want silence
so much, touch,
trust with eyes closed

i listen to the rain
and the night,
where are you?

my skin contracts
and my blood curdles
like milk turning sour

when i jump
i will fall,
when i walk
i can be calm

in sleep
i will walk
out of myself,
will i drown

or can i find
you, in waves,
on the bottom of the sea
or in the clouds

and when i wake
can there be silence,
in your eyes, your hands,

in our memory,
in which i may fall
and rise when i die?