since starting my journey i had no migraine. i had deeply relaxed.
where i am now i will not disclose.
yesterday i got too hot on my motorbike, under the helmet,
and the wind from driving gave me the rest.
i slept well after a good shared meal, woke with splitting headache.
i tried a tablet, i meditated and more so i used trance, breathing, letting everything be, my pain, the call of seagulls, traffic noise, feelings, emotions and confusion.
so i am a bit better now.
this is one side of my existence.
the other is that i spend my time with a very beautiful woman, beautiful in all ways,
in an impossible situation.
i meet, and out of the first moment i just want to kiss her everywhere,
her eyes, lips, arms, knees and make love with her.
i had to accept for now that this is impossible, but now is now and yesterday and tomorrow.
i promised not to be agressive nor too angry nor let out too much frustration.
i didn't expect anything but i knew how i will feel.
i think it is not very wise to be here.
i will do my best in kindness and in transforming my days to be open for other joy and for her.
this will not take away an underlying current of emotional torture,
and i know quite well that i cannot bear it for long.
once she said she may be a symbol for me. this is plainly stupid.
in the end all matters are simple in the mid of confusion, complexity and consciousness.
i am a man, she is a woman, i want her embrace, love and softness.
and everybody knows what will happen with a spring under tension, too much too long it breaks, too much once released it will snap.
i can lessen the tension but not remove it, only when i leave.
i don't want to because.
it feels very wrong to me to meditate and leave all be in place of making love
and sharing life , love and nights.
just there is not even 1 mm for another space in between us ,only mine inside.
the moment she would disturb this one i must go.
i feel being...stupid.
and know that i am intelligent, even i know i can acess singular , fluid , true and compassionate intelligence - only it doesn't help.
so i went for coffee.
these are diary notes which i need to sort my self.
Alice can read them, it will not change anything.
i take some water now to dilute my cloud.
all clouds are impermanent, they pass, they bring hail and rain and snow, they vanish,
and new clouds are already forming even if we see only cruelly blue sky.
sincerely, in all this i want to rain, to cry, to be a river, free, a bird sailing towards shadow, it is at times too hard to see me.
Von meinem iPad gesendet
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