in the evening after being where i am well and most of the time relaxed
in a temporary acceptance of present circumstances and with enough joy
i started to fall asleep in a restaurant. i see it was not nice for the person present, but it happened just like that out of the blue. the interpretation that i want to be alone is near unbearable as all interpretations are out of my context and taken into another. we had a bad moment.
i woke shivering and hot with a sunburn including my bald head , a thing which i cannot remember having had for yeears.
on top of it diarrhoea. i feel ill and with her frightened for being ill. she could not even once deal with me or care for me or at least leave me space when i was unwell. all needs a psychological interpretation and hundred questions. i have no idea how i will be tomorrow and what i will hear on it.
after all it is a difficult inter-being anyway and i will have maybe never have room for my need for softness, care , love and relaxed and at times playful intimacy. there is no idea nor role nor expectectation in me. i only know when i don't get peace today to get well again i must leave even if i hardly can.
hardly does not mean impossible.
i don't really want to, maybe she surprises me.
maybe i suprise me and fall asleep again.
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