the night-enigma

this night i know i am alone.
i know somebody else suffers just now or sleeps
and is alone.

i expect nothing from heaven nor from the lottery.
i can say though that when i do the lottery stuff i usually win
about what i spend, so not too bad.
about heaven i don't know.

i tried to create a house, a home in this world,
in an allegorical way. only: i wanted to be in it and share.
i don't shy the work but i find no more stones to build and
no roses to plant, the grass is not soft
and the fruits are not sweet. is it a ruin or a home to be?
will the rain come?

yes, work needs persistence-i walked from joy
through feeling insulted to feeling hurt to anger
and finally to feel sick. i don't know if i feel
my sickness or another one. inbetween i walked
out to be just there, present, happy in the moment.
but now i am near giving up.
there is too much control.
i find no sense in building
alone. i see no rooms and no space. the architecture
of feeling is one of  poor vision at times.

i don't need another brain, i have my own.
it is as rich with dreams
and intelligence as it is full with shit.
this goes for all of us.

i could risk my heart and my skin and get involved-
and i can just as well leave doing all this.
i will be neither more unhappy nor more happy than now.

sometimes the desert offers more space and comfort
than other human beings or me.

as i don't know what to do i do nothing.
i am good at it.
but it is nothing what eats me.

i feel. i feel therefore i am.
is it true?

and this here are only words.
i have no key to enigma.