to be open vs. integrity: the question of 'love' arriving

i will use she and her when i could say another person.
another person is not really "true".

long and not so long ago meeting i suddenly noticed : i am in love.
it shocked me, i didn't want it, then i felt elated with spaces opening
and at the same time a well founded fear.
and i opened all of me bit by bit, i was to welcome her.

it is always hard to see another person as she is:
at this point, this moment, with her past, in the flux of her own life,
depression, joy and craziness and day to day life.

by now it is more about time and space closing for me.
it is about me keeping my integrity.
me too, i am who i am, my soul, my mind, my past, my
calendar, my experience and my craziness.

i see we are very different and very related at the same time.
this i see as valuable.
the second could have brought as closer and the first can make us share.

our intentions from inside appear non-meeting anymore.
i said why keep up writing and ritual when we can meet and bear each other
only for 3 days. she said she cannot influence what and how i feel.
'something' came to a stop. though not a thing.

it may be temporary or a sign for an end.
i don't really know at all.
we all react. when i see a stone i may have time to
see and feel the stone, in the end i will step over or aside.
so it may be a reaction, not so permanent.

but i felt too much evasion and refusal  and went through too many
ways to see me and my intention and person in ways in which
i do not wish to see myself.
it is not a relaxing way to be together, rules, borders,
conditions, evasion.
i may indeed fade away.

we are to each other how we act not how we feel.
i am quite conscious of this.

i am not her friend and will not be.
i have been in love for too long.
i have loved her and still can
but i cannot do this alone.

i love her essence and miss her for it.
and i miss how we could be together
in a silent peace.

i have found me and will stay with me, this is integrity
born out of experience and the will to survive the best way.
i wish to invite her in me and in the circles of days and nights
with me.

i don't see how this invitation will be carried by the postman.

these words mean nothing, only reflections, shadows on a river.