is to follow reason to be "adult"?

to be an adult means nothing else than to recognize that one stands alone
against the rest of the world, that one has to care for oneself and bear
what cannot be changed.
for being adult turning into maturity it also means to recognize
what can be changed and do it as well as to recognize and
follow one's essence meaning to concentrate on what is essential
to one's life as seen from inside.
to be adult is not an achievement, it happens along the way of
suffering and holding out. To be an adult is not being better
than a child but to be thrown into existence crippled, to manage
social and work life without causing too many problems, to hide
emotions as learned or to deal with the consequences of not doing so,
to walk around with a mask or an unobtrusive behaviour. quite boring
if it is not play.
adult is result and exertion of control, a life in fear to fail.
it cuts the spirit of courage and curiosity.
to mature means to learn to look at oneself, to see the other, to open
and to receive and to learn to walk calmly and more softly with the
hurting child inside.
adults are to make decisions. these decisions are expected to follow reason
as  seen fit by convention and concepts.
maturity leaves room for feeling, transformation and truthful communication
as well as for holding one's own space, it enables us for our decisions
to follow another pattern.
reason as in our culture leads to one greed replacing the other, possession,
domination, it is not true reason, it follows the illusion of a  castle
in which we find safety from intrusion and from death itself.
it looks for a way out of being subject to violation.
maturity looks for space, can see decay and dying as a gate,
can deal with one's own and others imperfection and can find grace through
patience and mercy. mercy means forgiving imperfection and knowing nobody is perfect,
from there kindness and compassion come much more easily.
to be adult only means to be fairly closed, "finished", to be mature means to open and to concentrate
on essence and radiate mercy and kindness more and more. this cannot be reached by meditation
nor by intellectual activity alone. it can be reached through suffering and emotional
intelligence, the latter being totally underrated in our societies.
i do not deny myself being an  adult with the ugly face of experience of social power
nor do i deny myself maturing and softening self in the face of dying.
maturity as i define here is not a religious concept, it is more a
description of possible beauty in life.
though, to see this, there must be a way inside first.
this may be called romantic, religious, whatsoever- no definition will make it seen.
we have to search and to feel.
in the end we will go, our imprint will live on in ways we cannot know, here.
our mind with its cogwheels turning will have gone, our person will be like nothing, but i imagine our éssence to be like a sound from an unknown instrument to be heard in the pauses between music.
and no, to follow reason does not appear so very much essential to me,
only with practical steps for mere survival.
i tried day for day and night for night to follow my crazy heart through all the facets
and faces of me and my life.
and i'd rather follow my craziness than reason alone.