on karma, processing inside (re-revised)

when i was a boy, my father taught me on buddhism, on karma, on the path of silence.
i was in deep thinking and feeling.
it appealed to me to find a possible meaning of my travel through universe,
to be reborn and to travel with more or less weight depending on this life,
the one now, to be reborn on earth or on other planets, somewhere in the universe,
a theory following cause and effect and giving so much space to see continuity and unending possibilities.
i remember how i thought why do small children need to die cruelly,
how can being murdered or slaughtered make any sense? Karma was a welcome image here.
another chain of associations was to see no sense in endless numbers of humans
to be born, each one different, each one new, it looked something like mechanic to me, like a series of robots or new cars-
and i felt our spark and essence and energy coming out of another energy and substance, a living intelligent energy:
what could be the sense of individual travel in near automatic replacement?
i never felt sure about it.

now, coming back to childhood's thinking, i cannot safely see the same in thought.

first in all modesty, maybe this energy and essence out of which we are born and in which we are living and dying doesn't need me to find a sense and meaning at all.

then we cannot remember past lifes with any scientific evidence. and when i see individuality as
existing but non-important in the face of death, no argument for karma counts.

we don't die taking us as a person to another sphere. what happens with what i imagine and feel as essence is another matter. but it is not MY essence, it does not belong to me forever,  i see
an emanation of another energy. in chemistry the essence of various probes can be mixed..so in life and maybe after, because when i wish to imagine the time after death i will not be a person but will be taken into the sea of all energy.

but i always have felt karma being, a hidden truth giving me winks which i cannot profoundly grasp.
I try to listen, i try to analyze, deconstruct these winks, try to explain with personal history in this life now:
some remain as obscure as my karma if it is there. i believe it is. mine and ours.
the kama of all humanity.

karma as a way to see that all our/my actions are alive in the circle of causes and effects and in the end fall back on us one way or another appears to me clear and true.
karma in connection to re-birth  and past lifes cannot be postulated
nor does it closely belong to pure buddhism nor can it be fully recognized.
it is an idea, an image of a hidden reality.

but i am deeply convinced that we are not only formed and shaped by our present life-
the only one important now-
but that we bear an imprint of past with us, in our essence,  which gives us possibilities and winks to change and grow in presence on a path of openness and kindness-
this path and travel being more important than any theory or obscure and parallel reality.
i stay open to  unexplored space.