one can not slice the truth of one's being

and it doesn't help not to accept oneself.

as all of us i have gone through true and inner catharsis,

tranformative, but with losses and cripplement.

my deepest wish was another human to meet me and allow

me and herself nakedness in a cathartic purification

and reconciliation with the forces of life and karma,

without judgement, opinions. alone it means i accept me

as i am, together it means i am accepted and accept, 

the welcome in the face of pain, hurt, sadness, dirt, all wrong done.

this is communion. from there i should find joy, trust and peace,

and could give it. trusting i could flow 'together',

else i only flow alone, a small streamlet in a densely overgrown forest,

losing itself in a river not so far away.

anybody can call this a concept, unreal.

i see no other way, all must be naked one time and not only true,

or persons stay submarines to each other.

i see this not as a pre-condition for daily life and sharing

but as elementary for the formation of a lasting relationship.

catharsis here does not mean war but letting go of shells and patterns

and control in a prolonged moment of trust. 

not more and not less than to let be..

i must be too bad, it will not happen.

i am too bad, sunken too deeply in me and my need.

it appears obvious that i cannot give, 

i can be in love but i cannot love or better, i cannot stay loving.

i am filled with shame and at the same time with an acceptance of me,

also with a deep affection and sun and the perception of another:

but i do not trust.

my skin is too thin and too thick.

this takes me to the ways of thinking and circling.

i think when two people know before they will make the other

unhappy they should go their own way and not meet anymore.

a relationship dominated by this omen and by fears cannot grow

openly.

this is my diary.

it doesn't sum up my life nor me.

it is by far not all i feel and am.

and yes, i am ...'romantic' when somebody likes to characterize this.