Home and Memory

Home and Memory

Winter has come,

a flame in the fire

and all somehow warm

but i entered the door

feeling a pain, and as

all pain arises from loss,

i longed to be welcomed,
from somebody, i know who,

to just smile, at least

with a dog’s trusting joy,

maybe her not wagging

her tail but a kind bark

or a wet embrace,

peace in the house,

soup and space

as if it could never

  

have been otherwise.

I have longed for this

kiss for so long,

though i dread traps

and home is only inside

i have wished to share.

now as i am old

i see no future

i am alive.
I breathe.
the harvest moon 
has turned ice.

the past i left,

from the town where i

grew  up i fled in disgust

and memories only come

out of the forgotten

with a trigger, short films,

and i let them go,

all what i shovelled

under the snow, let it

be silent, it is winter.

Let memories freeze

and keep quiet.

outside the wind,

inside the house,

and deeper the home

in being me

   

i can be nobody else

and what i feel i

cannot cut nor forget,

i let it sleep.

i forgive my desire,

it will not die

until i will.

i forgive my memories.

they are like the

last brown leaves

tumbling on the white

and frosty soil.