chewing gum in my head

no. i don‘t need bad dreams.

no.

my heart aches, my skin retracts, i am covered with spider webs , threads off and on brushing my soul, i am dying under heaps of sheared fur and hair and cuttings of hooves and finger nails, i suffocate in my own arms,

strangled by buried devils,

blood smeared on my face mingling with my own ashes, my tears are very old though i feel them on my lips, they are salty and stinging,

all the foam in my bath tub sticks to me, to

my bottom, my pubic hair, my eyes and in my ears,

things turn into monstrous

beings, ghosts move the curtains, 

sleep comes and goes as the days and nights, i forgot hope and am tired of despair, i won‘t move but know i must because but i don‘t know because, i am shifting shapes, drowning in a now distorted story i tried to tell ,  to live, the chair escapes me turning into

flying boards and nails, the sink moved towards me and people are like smiling scissors, this screen attacks me, i cannot sit on a hole, who can,  i fall, i sink, there is nothing. somebody asks for my presence, for just to be but what the fuck is this, 

i exist but it is not me nor anybody else, all is cut, i bleed and a cancer has been growing in me, i have run in circles, it will win.

it is cold out there.

i didn‘t wish to die so lonely without embrace, caress, alone in my nakedness, hiding in the thicket awaiting the time of going.

what i am not given i cannot take, the exchange of words does not replace

kisses nor hands nor the softness of somebody close holding me in tenderness, at day, at night,

in love.

i cannot give nor receive, there is a wall i cannot ignore though i try. i tried.

there is no garden so all must be garden to me.

here where i rise again and again i cared for flowers and ponds, laid out paths, gutters for the rain to flow downhill, i prepared space, built stonewalls for the

lizards, planted trees and saw them grow, gave weeds a place for butterflies and bees,  i let stillness come together with wilderness and the song of birds. here.

i share with the wind and sky.

this is the way of balance in solitude, mine, between horses and humans, between you and me, between me and me, the one who is not one but an ever changing multitude, between meeting and going, and still i try to remember the song, try to carry it to you and to me.

i try, this strange harmony riding in the clouds, i listen.

can you hear me listening?

i can and i wonder.