diary note, reflection and reaction, separation and attitude

she wrote that she knows how i feel
and that i do not have the imagination to know how and what  she feels.
both is untrue,
a simplified way to deal with the complexity and essence of other humans.

i don't give the easy way out. my way has not been easy.
so.

i am glad i left this circle of reductive analytic views, 
play instead of honest answers
and care felt but not given.
maybe empathy is a gift, maybe it can be learned. i don't worry now.
i am glad i am out of my instinctive reactions, my hope, my illusion , my fight.
i know nothing is meant a bad way, just: i am out.
nobody needs this,  a game to lead across an abyss, a deep inner struggle.

i wouldn't want to say i understand her.
and more so, i am way out of wanting to understand.
explanations are no use anyway, i don't need my nor her exculpations.

nobody is guilty. nobody is less than another,
nobody is superior,
in the end all what counts is fairly ineffable,
but it is not words.

and we always come back to one's very own meaning
and need and feeling.
how could anybody take it away?
how could anybody tell me it is 'just' my understanding of meaning.
no. it is mine.

when needs be: be hard as a doornail, be stubborn, go through the wall.
this is what walls are there for.
life is not meant as a prison.
for none of us.

and nothing is so separate as it may look...
none of us is so totally independent.
no being is on this earth.
this is freedom, to see and to feel this.
i doubt that there is so much other freedom than attitude.