blood, body, guilt

found this note written a few months ago..
so, i share:

as i find it hard to fall asleep, out of rhythm for the last days, a long journey and changes in my life ,
it hit me again.
how deeep must it embed and cut in a child's soul , the rites of the christian church, eating the body of Christ and drinking his blood, being taught that guilt and sin comes with being born, innocence totally distorted by perversion, what a horrible prison this must make , what a confusion, how dirty and helpless one must feel as child. if there was not mercy and grace with the figure of Mary in the catholic church, how cruel.
even it does not go along the New Testament at all, Jesus
is attributed to have clearly said that all old sin is washed away, go and love each other.

i am glad i never believed in this cannibalistic ritual, i shuddered how many of my schoolmates ingested it. i would have liked to experience a symbolic spiritual sharing but could not, turned off by senseless cruelty, and the priest got very angry with me that i could not ‚believe'.
i told him -as a child!-that to stress torture and suffering and sacrifice is a means of domination, and that i may sin but not in this.
sin was, is and remains for me to harm me or another on purpose, to act against better knowledge. there is no other sin. and nobody can stay completely free of this kind of sin: but be aware and try to cause the least possible damage.
more i don't know.

in my protestant church which i left before i ever had seen me as part, each moment you are called for repentance and you hear an endless complaint on the badness of this world where you walk in a dark valley and that real life comes only after death. another kind of continuous punishment for being alive. Again, this view cannot be gained by reading the New Testament, not at all.