i do not know

i cannot say what i want.

i see all,  i go around , slowly, i look from the other side.

i grow still like a lake can be still , i look from inside, then i reflect.

i don‘t know if i can love again.

but is love a choice, is it not a river flowing and

taking us, is it not at the same time a river flowing in us

and through us and the  very ground of our soul and body,

the vehicle of our innermost essence?

is it a choice?

to fall in love marks whom we love, to be in love keeps our awareness there,

to love is hard. 

when we love we have to give up self so often, because when we do we grow out of us and see the other. here is the meeting point, and here we learn how to be humble and simple, we are the red hot iron being hammered.or we give up.

love is no way out of pain but through pain and through and with the pain of the other.

there is no easy path.

all good  advice, all manuals are for the burning.

nobody can teach you to be you and at the same time go beyond yourself.

nobody can teach you how to stand up when all falls apart.

when i think and let reason speak, i do not want to love.

i don‘t want to be involved in a process which may lead me to disaster.,

which will destruct and deconstruct the person i am now.

i don‘t want to catch bitterness like a  flue , i don‘t want to lose once more immediacy and spontaneous flow to another‘s hesitation, doubt and fear.

i don‘t want to be kept in a circle of reactions without balance and humour.

i wish i had a partner whom i could allow to make me laugh about me even,

not a relationship tickling out my failures and temperament.

and i don‘t want any relationship in which we talk only on you and me and mainly on me.

i‘d refuse, love or not love.

i listen, i hear just romantic, humans are an accident of nature, life is punishment,

all is boring, all is the same, words like couple shit, analytic processes being applied to what happens between two humans will create an unsurmountable wall of opinions, defences and attacks. i do no wish to participate. it is continuously going backwards.  but i want to live, love and die forwards and in all directions and spaces. when i love i love, when i am bad i am bad.

i don‘t want discussions on love. we all know deep down what love means to us ourselves.

i wish to do  fully and with full presence what i do , and i need silences which are not heavy and not spiced with thunderstorms brewing but set us free in  companionship and when separate.

i have nothing more to say.

now not.

i don‘t know what i want, with whom.

i admit i don‘t know.

i don‘t want more chaos anymore than happens anyway, i want not so much an exciting as 

a simple life, calm and filled with warmth. i had my many exciting years in various countries and places.

maybe i had been for a few years an addict for desaster and despair.

this i left. i live on a green meadow, an island where i can be me, near the sea.