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Wednesday, August 31, 2016

at our limits

hard times
so close
so near
so far

all as if
against
us
you
me

sad days
bad nights
grief
deep feeling

we just
want to lie down
on a cloud
and let us
be taken away

but will endure
persist
follow the heart
of all
what is present

nobody
can
do
more

'and death shall have no dominion' (Dylan Thomas)
-it is in life, not above.

dreams out of the sea of life - first draft

Alice and the Sea

 

Alice stood alone, looking out at the sea,

rolling and heaving and spraying and roaring,

waves breaking and spilling foam and

water at the quay.

 

She was lost in all of this and in

herself, all rising up inside, moving,

sadness, voices, dance, cellars, skies

from the place where she was born, her dog

near death at home, all disconnected

but all present, as present as the ache

of living in all of this and as alive as 

the tidal stream and the light of the

moon, all a current inside, a shadow

and a far away memory of what

could have been. 

 

There at this place of wind and salt,

she felt her heart beating, her breath

coming in and out, and within the noise

there was a heart of silence in which

she was by now used to go, a center

of being inside, the stream of the

mind not touching it, the restlessness

of the days not reaching, a point from where

observation prevented participation.

 

the hunter watched, seeing her leave, a stubborn neck,

hair wild in the breeze, blowing her nose

and sniffing the scent of the beach

she walked away.

 

The Hunter of a Lonely  Heart

 

He stood there in the shadow of a wall

as if he belonged there since this wall

had been built. Algae and moss grew out

of the fissures between the old granite

stones, they were wet and glittering

in the night. He felt as if he was not existing,

foreign to himself and hidden in obscurity.

Shivering he started to move, staring into

the fog coming now, the wind had dropped,

and he shuffled along the quay without

a horizon. coughing he disappeared

between the houses on the other side.


Monday, August 29, 2016

Poems for Alice, Conrad T. Feder

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1326740032/ref=rdr_ext_tmb

https://www.amazon.co.jp/Poems-Alice-Flight-Conrad-Feder/dp/1326740032

silent watch

living shadows

on despair

despair is not only the absence of being able to love but can be the conflict of loving and being in love.
one is selfless, one is emotional and touching soul.
both  going together a wonder.
life shows me that sometimes one may have to choose.
and it stays an impossible decision, like a koan, some day one just does. and loses both.

Sunday, August 28, 2016

ageing gracefully - together

at my age in a loving relationship the same basic questions arise first as always:
can we feel well together enough, can we live without discussing each step but respect our differences, can we bear to be near and can we find trust and sometimes joy in intimacy?
from the first and free flow of inspiration and the touch of intuition in soul, can we step ahead
and in spite of thinking want to go on and more together?
will we end telling each other 'you are always like this or that'-the end of growth and space.
the process is complex and often hard.
all of us know.
at my age another question comes up and it is fundamental.
this is beyond love and respect for another singularity.
i cannot age gracefully with a woman with whom i cannot first share intimacy
and know by experience i am loved as a person , can be me, in bed too, before i will have to leave parts of this intimacy due to frailty and age. leaving it out before will make staying together a prison in which i have to hide as a foreign body, unable to ask for a hand to help me.
and this means what it means for me,
to see future out of present.
then better to stay alone.

o danca entre o sim o não

poem by Antonio Ramos Rosa

behind the horizon

i am so broken and sore, i find no bush to hide and no hill to climb.
space is shrinking and closing in on me-i cannot speak.
my tongue must stay stuck as me, soon i will be mute.

today i looked out at sea, the horizon hiding all what may be behind,
more waste land, more deserts and monotonous sea without hope.


this is how i am, raw as an opened egg. no shelter, no protection anymore
and  near perishing, no chicken will crawl out here anymore, no seed grow.

i could find a way out alone, but alone i cannot find another way than out.

i may grow into a bitter old man.
i am grateful and can be mindful and respect each spark of life
and feel compassion with all prisoners and suffering beings-
still i feel too much alone.

i cannot speak.
i am lost.
again pushed and falling into my sadness.

i am missing my innocence, my joy, my flow.
me.
after all deconstruction, now
in all  construction: i am not there.
when i am present: i must be silent.

i try, for a while.
i see the lizards, the plants greening in salty sand.
then i die.
i hope with a smile, with relief.

Saturday, August 27, 2016

centrifugal

slowly i arrive at a conclusion that though language is useless
for coming any nearer to what we essentially need and seek
and though it cannot do more than ex-press or ex-plain-and as such language is
as centri-fugal as we live- it is not language which is a disease
but us.

diary note

these were and are days with happiness
flowing unexpectedly.
i wrote a letter today, though as stupid as all love letters, i wrote from both sides:
the living me who wants to share life and the dying me who gives. 
they are complementary, it is my presence
in words-and in words it is stupid and turns into a ghost.

Friday, August 26, 2016

on the beauty of lions

yesterday i had started to talk on lions.
i said they sleep, sleep, sleep, hunt, eat, fuck, sleep.
i couldn't finish what i tried to express.and this is quite understandable...

from near they are smelling of meat rotting between their teeth,
observing them we see that the new husband kills all the children
of the predecessor, just to be short: for us they are not so pleasant
as we would like to see. but how pleasant are we?

seeing animals in the wild we attribute to them easily emotions and 
concepts which are completely human.

we see freedom where they fight for survival, 
we see  beauty and grace in their way to move, 
happiness when they sleep and 'play'. is this true? 

the beauty we see is the mere power of being without one self-conscious thought.

we envy this because we can rarely do it, and it is not given to us at the root of our lifes.
we see happiness the same way where there is no happiness but in our imagination.
happiness is a concept we long for out of our self-consciousness, sometimes experience it in spite
of our human structure- to look for it is an idea and lions don't keep themselves busy with ideas. instead they do as said in the first lines.
we suffer and grow with this self-consciousness, we ask life constantly questions and cannot
accept the answers, we are aware of our mortality and most times too busy running from it,
we try to think before we act -not always the best way to survive.
we generate ideas and feelings of love, happiness, kindness, a heaven in us and beyond.
this makes us very frail beings in the face of a lion-we are for ourselves more like shadows on the wall,
like mirrors reflecting life more than living in it.

to find our center we  need to dive and to leave our mind.

the lion is its own center-we are not.




Thursday, August 25, 2016

on solitude and arrogance

a history of a life with a strong sharp and questioning singular intellect makes lonely and for sure does not allow to conform with general concepts and convention. even when we smile outwardly we know we are at root outcasts. 
often we don't talk as we had too often the experience to be misunderstood.
this feeling of singularity makes easily arrogant and certainly unhappy.
also it makes us opinionated too
much when we form and grow mainly inside and not in relation to the space
in between humans and life-when we do not expose us fearing violation of what appears holy to us in our confinement.
being quite consciously  unhappy can
drive us into sleeplessness, drugs, more thinking and an obstinate attitude from where we see loneliness as choice and from where we may even despise persons who can see their life differently.
in a next step we go into meditation with all the danger of feeling so singular again with our self, we may fall for trying to improve being 'better' humans with a 'higher' development and from there would already come back into the circles of ego propagating itself.

in the end maybe all comes down to opening to life and to the present moment
without fear and opinions.
easily said.
more easily again done in solitude.

being a human i need solitude as much as togetherness.
and i wish to feel well in both.
there are contexts for me feeling well
with another and so much more with a woman i love. they are there for everybody. and they are complex and simple at the same time.

for now i open my arms and my heart.
may they stay open: i don't know.

welcome to the club.






Wednesday, August 24, 2016

reality is not existing

this is rule one, reality is existing outside
but i cannot see it outside, not as it is, never,
nobody can.
and it will not be called reality, it has no name.
reality is how i see and is reshaped moment for moment,
mind and memory hurling images and impressions
through consciousness, thoughts and dreams
swirling and circling until a mood takes form,
a decision is made on how to live now this
present moment.
i am completely alone in this as everybody
is, there is no exception.
so i sit down, try to meditate and
come out of this restlessness,
out of my mind.
when i cannot find my center i
feel depressed, forced into a  maelstrom
and near drowning.
it happens, and i wonder again and
again how i can survive, i am surprised
to see the light in me.
i know everybody feels this in various cycles
of repetition. it is not much use to put it in
words, just one of my personal ways
of processing.

to talk or not to talk can both be as deceptive
as hurtful, truth with humans is complex,
opinions are only a fetish versus bad memories
and fear, a narration means more than a statement,
and though silence is at times hard to bear
it can be as important and meaningful
as pauses in music.

this is it today from me who was tortured
by bad sleep and myself.







sleep didn't come

last night was hot, in the early morning hours lightning but no rain. head and emotions running,
painting shadows in my mind. needed a pill
and hate this status.
i cannot write a true diary.
too much broken in the continuity
of being me.
i have to re-invent me again and again
to walk into the days.
and sometimes i feel like a boat without the sailor
and other times as if my sail got hidden away.

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Athair Ar Neamh, Father in Heaven, Enya

Claudie Mackula , Solitude

Simon's Cat in "Cat and Mouse" | Disney Favorite

Alain de Botton, interview

"..to learn art's general lesson which is it's power to reanimate our relationship with the world.."
a remark on the message of Proust




..nice also on kisses, welcome, exposure, on honesty and on editing ourselves, on oddities,
on sex, on relationships, on romanticism, on our travel through life..worth while listening

Rammstein - Engel (Live from Madison Square Garden)

incongruity ...the landmark of the restless mind-
i don't aim to be an angel
nor do i aim not to be an angel:
unconceivable possibilities...
no reason to be so excited about being good or not good :-)
Rammstein, songs using pre-fabricated puberty emotions
without really much else..could just as well work for 
a totalitarian regime, no?
"i don't want to be...like this, like that.."
then-how?
just.."special"? ...uff.





Wer zu Lebzeit gut auf Erden
Wird nach dem Tod ein Engel werden
Den Blick gen Himmel fragst du dann
Warum man sie nicht sehen kann
Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehn
Kann man uns am Himmel sehn
Wir haben Angst und sind allein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Sie leben hinterm Sonnenschein
Getrennt von uns unendlich weit
Sie müssen sich an Sterne krallen
(Ganz fest)
Damit sie nicht vom Himmel fallen
Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehn
Kann man uns am Himmel sehn
Wir haben Angst und sind allein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehn
Kann man uns am Himmel sehn
Wir haben Angst und sind allein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein




falling asleep

between thistles and nostrils

Arthur Rimbaud ,Eternity (English Version),




Do be do be do dooo it's raining!!

Sprache, Wittgenstein, associations


"Die Grenzen meiner Sprache bedeuten die Grenzen meiner Welt." Ludwig Wittgenstein

I feel a bit of pity for Mr. Wittgenstein.
Does he mean his world as can be communicated within convention
between humans of one specific social background or does he really mean his world?

Systemology bores me quickly, it appears useless within my life, and here i mean the process of 
inventing new terms and perspectives for and within closed systems. because with his world as above he defines a closed system. no?

easily i can see the importance of analysis of communication as it always also deals with
communication with oneself in a socio-cultural, psychological and historic context: 
this context needs deconstruction so we can walk out and open systems
and see new ways out of our obsessed and ghostlike minds.

secondly we need this deconstruction to find to freedom from domination,
from oppressive concepts in which we all had been held for long since childhood.
we need it to analyze our social situations, in politics, in the office, at home.
we need or at least i need to see myself in relation to my dependence and  interdependence,
to my freedom and my mortality. i wish to see me in my place as free of set phrases as ever will be possible
and in all modesty: i need my balance point from where i can criticize myself and smile about me.
this balance point is not fixed nor defined: it changes as much as i move and do.

language is living, alive as we are and exists within a changing and living context.
can we walk out of language ? then we can indeed walk out of our mind.
communication is also what we do not say but may express and or experience 
with body language, with kisses, with pauses, with rhythm and with talking about something else.

what really disturbs in such sentences as above that there is more to my world
than my multi-structured restless mind and my archetype - influenced soul, my stream of emotions, 
my physical limitations: there is a center out of which we can radiate and grow.
language cannot find it, searching and finding the end of language can point us on a way.
but there will be no formula.

now, this is a chaotic and subjective interpretation and associations out of context
to one single phrase from this philosopher, all background removed.
i think this is good: 
take away the clothes, then you are either near or very far away.

I am near me and each day nearer death, this is quite enough to me,
i do not wish to spend time within closed systems of thought and analytic
tools which at best take away my awareness of life, of suffering, of joy,
of love and of the center out of which i try to live to my best ability
which is in fact a lot of work already.

reading is good, too much reading is ballast.
as a doctor and often near agony and death i learned
to do one thing: to forget.

i have already forgotten what i wrote here.
this is not a sign of dementia, in my opinion it is one
pre-condition for life,sleep, awareness of the present 
and of love and death.


Sprache bedeutet Annäherung oder Abwendung, Impuls, Einflussnahme,  Kontrolle,
jeder Versuch der Kommunikation bleibt ein Versuch, eine dauernde Erforschung von Kontext,
ein Verharren als auch ein Spiegelkampf im Missverstehen,
Kommunion ist nur ein flüchtiges Erleben, zumeist illusorisch, 
jedes Wort ruft ein anderes hervor, Sprache ist reaktionär.

Es macht bedeutend mehr Sinn, zusammen den Garten um zu graben, Kaffee zu trinken,
ins Bett zu gehen, sich die Hand zu halten, Liebe zu machen, zu reisen, Tauben zu füttern, zu sehen,
wie der Mond sich im Meer spiegelt und -wo es ein muß- sich über die Straße zu helfen und helfen zu lassen.

Innere Wandlung erfolgt nicht durch Sprache und doch, Sprache verführt, lenkt ab,kann Verhaltensmuster hervorrufen oder verstärken, Floskeln sind hypnotische Befehle wie jeder Werbefachmann es weiß.

Doch innere Freiheit,  die Suche und das Sehen und Finden des wesentlichen aus dem Zentrum
des Augenblicks entsteht erst mit der Auflösung der Sprache.

"Die Grenzen meiner Sprache bedeuten den Anfang meines Lebens." Conrad Feder









Saturday, August 20, 2016

Blaubeuren, Blautopf

yesterday a man talked to me: words vs. loneliness and mortality

no, he did't talk, he run with words, a grey and silver haired tall and sad man,
an incessant run of them, unpunctuated,
speaking as if never anyone listened to him before, which i easily believe.
unfortunately i did, listen,  and it was tiresome.
next to his wife standing on crutches, he mentioned three times:
which man would stay with such a wife..
then again half crying whilst re-narrating the burial of his father,
throwing all in one pot, childhood, parents, morals, marriage and duty,
internet, his former work as a baker, his far away and estranged 6 siblings,
rambling on and on about how clever he cares for quality of life at his age,
for me depending on what and who defines quality, unhappy as he was at root.
Then he was going on about his two artificial hips
and why we shouldn't pay money for nothing to refugees, on politics
and on the right to be free from suffering..more or less,
as he had been paying taxes and insurance all his life.
He continued with adversity to any medication just looking at it the same way as at
industrial food. i politely told him that e.g. diabetes or coronary heart disease
have side-effects just the same, and that i see medication as balancing one
evil against the other, if used wisely to be of possible benefit.
and though he had experienced differently, artificial joints, surgery on stomach,
he went on to behave as if a human cannot be wounded but by eating the wrong food
and taking medication and having surgery done to oneself.
Mortality appears difficult to look at when you see yourself in the mirror.
No, he kept on saying he smiles each morning at himself in the bathroom.
i guess he just bares his teeth ....just not but near growling.
a flood of words and mixed up context, an attack on the listener.


i managed to stay polite and patient but asked him to imagine once to live in a poor country
and then compare his status to the one he would have had there as a non-walking cripple,
then i asked him if he really believed what he said.
he didn't listen, of course he didn't.

a relief when he left..

ps: my 90 years old mother sitting next to me put her head to the side
and did what i learned from her:
she just looked as if she was listening
when she had long ago stopped,
i grinned at her and she reacted ever so slightly:
the best moment.

Hildur Guðnadóttir , You

The Kronos Quartet: Last Kind Words by Geeshie Wiley, arr. Jacob Garchik

moving the tent: nothing to say

when it rains
to dig a ditch
or move the tent
to dry land where

the sun shines
or leave the tent
and take a train
to nowhere

where i can be
me, nobody,
drunk from life
and headless

to sit like now
in moonlight
with nothing
on my mind

and a glass
in my hands
as empty
as me

who will be filled
with dreams
in sleep ending
with light


note:
beginning of holidays










Sarod Virtuoso Amjad Ali Khan | A Tribute to Tagore - Ekla Cholo Re

Thursday, August 18, 2016

James Taylor & Joni Mitchell - You Can Close Your Eyes (John Peel Session)

M.J.Pires & H.Sermet plays Schubert Fantasie in F minor, op.103 (I)

György Kurtág ,Aus tiefer Not schrei ich zu dir ,JS Bach

delusion and reality

i see no "real" difference between delusion and reality.
the relationship between different and ever changing
contexts gives us the concept of delusion,
deep feeling inside cannot effect this, thought does it.
even a poem written half out and half in sleep
as greeting and present is not less true than
a call at lunchtime to announce the end
of the world. fortunately there was no call
like that today, only loads of work followed
by relaxation and meeting my horse.
not each poem must be art,
the "truth" of the present moment is enough.
emotional honesty is my gift and my task,
wisdom is where i go a bit more than before.
this is my call to me today, my diary.



what i meant and to say is nothing

    for Alice coming with starships
    
    

   when i wrote
   to you
   i wanted to say
   it feels right

   what i feel,
   more and more.
   i am here
   in our sleep

   i am in the dark
   i am in the light
   i am in the sound
   i am in the silence

   and i find you
   as i find me.
   i find inside,
   i find outside,

   all meeting,
   all moving,
   all touching,
   near and far

   i find us
   all fluid
   all lucid
   through clouds

   in dreams,
   in flight,
   in sinking. and
   in imperfection

   i find infinity,
   in a whisper
   and without.
   sometimes

  i hold my breath,
  joy and pain
  so clear together.
  i search your hand

  when i step out
  of starships
  into this space
  we had forlorn

  i hold you
  when you rise,
  i hold you
  when you fall.

  good night.
  
   
   

Hildur Guðnadóttir , Casting

Hildur Guðnadóttir, at Big Ears 2015 (excerpt)

Renaud Garcia-fons ,Berimbass (Mezzo TV)

Dr L Subramaniam ,Carnatic Violin



structure and rhythm into chaos and emptiness ....music...

The Quantum and the Lotus, Matthieu Ricard, Trinh Xuan R´Thuan, quotes, Each to his own reality

quote: According to the Madhyamaka school, the right way to look at reality
is in terms of interdependence between conscious and unconscious phenomena,
neither of which exists in absolute terms.

quote:..,Khyentse Rinpoche, put it this way:
"When  a reflection appears in a mirror,
you cannot say that it is a part of the mirror, nor that it lies elsewhere.
In the same way, perceptions of exterior phenomena take place
neither in the mind nor outside.
Phenomena are not really existent or non-existent.
So the realization of the ultimate nature of things
lies beyond the concepts of being or nonbeing."

(page 123, chapter: Each to his own reality)

i question the word "things", see page 124:

quote: The literal meaning of samskara,
the Sanskrit word for "things" or "aggregates"
is "event" or "action".

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Gurdjieff / De Hartmann - 4 Selected songs (flute / piano free arrangeme...

Nu - This Land (Original Mix)







fires in california

fires in portugal

MURCHISON FALLS NATIONAL PARK, UGANDA.

Nise : O Coração da Loucura (filme completo)

African Meditation (1985)

African Meditation
Maracha Hospital
Uganda, 1985

A calm sea,mist in the valley
and no wind at all.
This veil,does it ever tear
and what do you want
in or out
or is it much the same?

Cut.
Flesh leaps to the side.
This now the cavity, open
and somehow too bright.

Then, the fingers gently probing,
does this tear?
Or cut again
expose the whole in parts,
connected contents of a hole

What will you find,
more perforations
and then?
In or out
or is it much the same?

Stitch.
Close up.
And cover the naked heart.

Why not.
A ray of light put on its proper course,
but will you bend the stars?

A sudden wind
shaking the fog
A light much too bright.
And then again
a day as calm as a calm sea.
Was a calm sea ever safe?

There
a spider lurking in the dark,
a patient pendulum,
and the moon settles to look at
you

And still this veil, these perforations,
clear enough.
Sleep now.
Wake tomorrow.

A rhythm of heart and breath.
Waves of a calm sea.
Good night.

Enthumanisierung und Gesundheitsreform (1989)

Nächstenliebe nach Vorschrift
Der Verantwortungsparagraph
Seelenapostroph
Verordnetes Leiden


Die da oben sitzen
schalten und walten
obwalten
verwalten
anwalten und zerwalten
zerrwalten

Jene verwallten Gestalten
verstaucht und verstopft
gehören umgetopft
umgekopft
entduftet und entlüftet
entmottet
umgewaltet
abgewaltet
entwaltet
endwaltet


Diese Gewalten
gehören geschrumpft und geschröpft
entsaftet,geköpft
zertrocknet
gereinigt
bereinigt
zereinigt
vereint und gemein
entsorgt
als Gartenzwerge
in die Umlaufbahn,
auf den Mond
aufs Abstellgleis
ausrangiert
entgiert
und verwaltet
in Obhut:

Pflegschaft
nach Vorschrift

Anmerkung:
Zur Gesundheitsreform  
oder
Deutsche Art:
Vermächtnis der Enthumanisierung

Hildur Guðnadóttir ,Unveiled

Nu & Jo Ke , Who Loves The Sun (Original Mix)

Nu - MAN O TO (Original Mix).wmv

Van Gogh, On the verge of insanity, Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam

"I well knew that one could break one’s arms and legs before, and that then afterwards that could get better but I didn’t know that one could break one’s brain and that afterwards that got better too."
To Theo from Arles, 28 January 1889
"Ah well, I risk my life for my own work,
and my reason has half foundered in it

To Theo from Auvers, 23 July 1890


-no comment-

Bonga , mona ki ngi xica (Synapson remix)



not all i post has to be meaningful :-)

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Schubert's Ave Maria with Latin words and paintings by Greg Tricker

Timothy Leary, quotes to think about

“The universe is an intelligence test.” 


“If you listen to neurologists and psychiatrists, you'd never fall in love.” 


"Any reality is an opinion-we make up our own reality” 


"You have to go out of your mind to use your head."

Bob Marley-All Star Tribute-Tracy Chapman:Three Little Birds

Isa Katharina Gericke & Tine Thing Helseth ,Händel, Let the Bright Sera...

Ton Koopman , Corelli, Concerto grosso op. 6 nº 8 - Orquesta Sinfónica d...

Beatritz de Dia,Estat ai en greu cossirier

Kronos Quartet, Homayun Sakhi Trio, Alim & Fargana Qasimov - Rangin Kaman

Kronos Quartet,Lullaby

Kronos Quartet playing Sigur Ros

Kronos Quartet playing Sigur Ros

Yuja Wang, Schubert,Liszt, Auf dem Wasser zu singen





Auf dem Wasser zu singen
Franz Schubert

Mitten im Schimmer der spiegelnden Wellen
Gleitet, wie Schwäne, der wankende Kahn:
Ach, auf der Freude sanftschimmernden Wellen
Gleitet die Seele dahin wie der Kahn;
Denn von dem Himmel herab auf die Wellen
Tanzet das Abendrot rund um den Kahn.

Über den Wipfeln des westlichen Haines
Winket uns freundlich der rötliche Schein;
Unter den Zweigen des östlichen Haines
Säuselt der Kalmus im rötlichen Schein;
Freude des Himmels und Ruhe des Haines
Atmet die Seel im errötenden Schein.

Ach, es entschwindet mit tauigem Flügel
Mir auf den wiegenden Wellen die Zeit;
Morgen entschwinde mit schimmerndem Flügel
Wieder wie gestern und heute die Zeit,
Bis ich auf höherem strahlendem Flügel
Selber entschwinde der wechselnden Zeit.