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Wednesday, August 31, 2016
at our limits
dreams out of the sea of life - first draft
Alice and the Sea
Alice stood alone, looking out at the sea,
rolling and heaving and spraying and roaring,
waves breaking and spilling foam and
water at the quay.
She was lost in all of this and in
herself, all rising up inside, moving,
sadness, voices, dance, cellars, skies
from the place where she was born, her dog
near death at home, all disconnected
but all present, as present as the ache
of living in all of this and as alive as
the tidal stream and the light of the
moon, all a current inside, a shadow
and a far away memory of what
could have been.
There at this place of wind and salt,
she felt her heart beating, her breath
coming in and out, and within the noise
there was a heart of silence in which
she was by now used to go, a center
of being inside, the stream of the
mind not touching it, the restlessness
of the days not reaching, a point from where
observation prevented participation.
the hunter watched, seeing her leave, a stubborn neck,
hair wild in the breeze, blowing her nose
and sniffing the scent of the beach
she walked away.
The Hunter of a Lonely Heart
He stood there in the shadow of a wall
as if he belonged there since this wall
had been built. Algae and moss grew out
of the fissures between the old granite
stones, they were wet and glittering
in the night. He felt as if he was not existing,
foreign to himself and hidden in obscurity.
Shivering he started to move, staring into
the fog coming now, the wind had dropped,
and he shuffled along the quay without
a horizon. coughing he disappeared
between the houses on the other side.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Monday, August 29, 2016
on despair
Sunday, August 28, 2016
ageing gracefully - together
can we feel well together enough, can we live without discussing each step but respect our differences, can we bear to be near and can we find trust and sometimes joy in intimacy?
from the first and free flow of inspiration and the touch of intuition in soul, can we step ahead
and in spite of thinking want to go on and more together?
will we end telling each other 'you are always like this or that'-the end of growth and space.
the process is complex and often hard.
all of us know.
at my age another question comes up and it is fundamental.
this is beyond love and respect for another singularity.
i cannot age gracefully with a woman with whom i cannot first share intimacy
and know by experience i am loved as a person , can be me, in bed too, before i will have to leave parts of this intimacy due to frailty and age. leaving it out before will make staying together a prison in which i have to hide as a foreign body, unable to ask for a hand to help me.
and this means what it means for me,
to see future out of present.
then better to stay alone.
o danca entre o sim o não
behind the horizon
space is shrinking and closing in on me-i cannot speak.
my tongue must stay stuck as me, soon i will be mute.
today i looked out at sea, the horizon hiding all what may be behind,
more waste land, more deserts and monotonous sea without hope.
this is how i am, raw as an opened egg. no shelter, no protection anymore
and near perishing, no chicken will crawl out here anymore, no seed grow.
i could find a way out alone, but alone i cannot find another way than out.
i may grow into a bitter old man.
i am grateful and can be mindful and respect each spark of life
and feel compassion with all prisoners and suffering beings-
still i feel too much alone.
i cannot speak.
i am lost.
again pushed and falling into my sadness.
i am missing my innocence, my joy, my flow.
me.
after all deconstruction, now
in all construction: i am not there.
when i am present: i must be silent.
i try, for a while.
i see the lizards, the plants greening in salty sand.
then i die.
i hope with a smile, with relief.
Saturday, August 27, 2016
centrifugal
diary note
Friday, August 26, 2016
on the beauty of lions
Thursday, August 25, 2016
on solitude and arrogance
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
reality is not existing
but i cannot see it outside, not as it is, never,
nobody can.
and it will not be called reality, it has no name.
reality is how i see and is reshaped moment for moment,
mind and memory hurling images and impressions
through consciousness, thoughts and dreams
swirling and circling until a mood takes form,
a decision is made on how to live now this
present moment.
i am completely alone in this as everybody
is, there is no exception.
so i sit down, try to meditate and
come out of this restlessness,
out of my mind.
when i cannot find my center i
feel depressed, forced into a maelstrom
and near drowning.
it happens, and i wonder again and
again how i can survive, i am surprised
to see the light in me.
i know everybody feels this in various cycles
of repetition. it is not much use to put it in
words, just one of my personal ways
of processing.
to talk or not to talk can both be as deceptive
as hurtful, truth with humans is complex,
opinions are only a fetish versus bad memories
and fear, a narration means more than a statement,
and though silence is at times hard to bear
it can be as important and meaningful
as pauses in music.
this is it today from me who was tortured
by bad sleep and myself.
sleep didn't come
painting shadows in my mind. needed a pill
and hate this status.
i cannot write a true diary.
too much broken in the continuity
of being me.
i have to re-invent me again and again
to walk into the days.
and sometimes i feel like a boat without the sailor
and other times as if my sail got hidden away.
Sunday, August 21, 2016
Alain de Botton, interview
a remark on the message of Proust
..nice also on kisses, welcome, exposure, on honesty and on editing ourselves, on oddities,
on sex, on relationships, on romanticism, on our travel through life..worth while listening
Rammstein - Engel (Live from Madison Square Garden)
i don't aim to be an angel
nor do i aim not to be an angel:
unconceivable possibilities...
no reason to be so excited about being good or not good :-)
Rammstein, songs using pre-fabricated puberty emotions
without really much else..could just as well work for
a totalitarian regime, no?
"i don't want to be...like this, like that.."
then-how?
just.."special"? ...uff.
Wird nach dem Tod ein Engel werden
Den Blick gen Himmel fragst du dann
Warum man sie nicht sehen kann
Kann man uns am Himmel sehn
Wir haben Angst und sind allein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Getrennt von uns unendlich weit
Sie müssen sich an Sterne krallen
(Ganz fest)
Damit sie nicht vom Himmel fallen
Kann man uns am Himmel sehn
Wir haben Angst und sind allein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Kann man uns am Himmel sehn
Wir haben Angst und sind allein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Gott weiß ich will kein Engel sein
Sprache, Wittgenstein, associations
"Die Grenzen meiner Sprache bedeuten die Grenzen meiner Welt." Ludwig Wittgenstein
I feel a bit of pity for Mr. Wittgenstein.
Does he mean his world as can be communicated within convention
between humans of one specific social background or does he really mean his world?
Systemology bores me quickly, it appears useless within my life, and here i mean the process of
inventing new terms and perspectives for and within closed systems. because with his world as above he defines a closed system. no?
easily i can see the importance of analysis of communication as it always also deals with
communication with oneself in a socio-cultural, psychological and historic context:
this context needs deconstruction so we can walk out and open systems
and see new ways out of our obsessed and ghostlike minds.
secondly we need this deconstruction to find to freedom from domination,
from oppressive concepts in which we all had been held for long since childhood.
we need it to analyze our social situations, in politics, in the office, at home.
we need or at least i need to see myself in relation to my dependence and interdependence,
to my freedom and my mortality. i wish to see me in my place as free of set phrases as ever will be possible
and in all modesty: i need my balance point from where i can criticize myself and smile about me.
this balance point is not fixed nor defined: it changes as much as i move and do.
language is living, alive as we are and exists within a changing and living context.
can we walk out of language ? then we can indeed walk out of our mind.
communication is also what we do not say but may express and or experience
with body language, with kisses, with pauses, with rhythm and with talking about something else.
what really disturbs in such sentences as above that there is more to my world
than my multi-structured restless mind and my archetype - influenced soul, my stream of emotions,
my physical limitations: there is a center out of which we can radiate and grow.
language cannot find it, searching and finding the end of language can point us on a way.
but there will be no formula.
now, this is a chaotic and subjective interpretation and associations out of context
to one single phrase from this philosopher, all background removed.
i think this is good:
take away the clothes, then you are either near or very far away.
I am near me and each day nearer death, this is quite enough to me,
i do not wish to spend time within closed systems of thought and analytic
tools which at best take away my awareness of life, of suffering, of joy,
of love and of the center out of which i try to live to my best ability
which is in fact a lot of work already.
reading is good, too much reading is ballast.
as a doctor and often near agony and death i learned
to do one thing: to forget.
i have already forgotten what i wrote here.
this is not a sign of dementia, in my opinion it is one
pre-condition for life,sleep, awareness of the present
and of love and death.
Sprache bedeutet Annäherung oder Abwendung, Impuls, Einflussnahme, Kontrolle,
jeder Versuch der Kommunikation bleibt ein Versuch, eine dauernde Erforschung von Kontext,
ein Verharren als auch ein Spiegelkampf im Missverstehen,
Kommunion ist nur ein flüchtiges Erleben, zumeist illusorisch,
jedes Wort ruft ein anderes hervor, Sprache ist reaktionär.
Es macht bedeutend mehr Sinn, zusammen den Garten um zu graben, Kaffee zu trinken,
ins Bett zu gehen, sich die Hand zu halten, Liebe zu machen, zu reisen, Tauben zu füttern, zu sehen,
wie der Mond sich im Meer spiegelt und -wo es ein muß- sich über die Straße zu helfen und helfen zu lassen.
Innere Wandlung erfolgt nicht durch Sprache und doch, Sprache verführt, lenkt ab,kann Verhaltensmuster hervorrufen oder verstärken, Floskeln sind hypnotische Befehle wie jeder Werbefachmann es weiß.
Doch innere Freiheit, die Suche und das Sehen und Finden des wesentlichen aus dem Zentrum
des Augenblicks entsteht erst mit der Auflösung der Sprache.
"Die Grenzen meiner Sprache bedeuten den Anfang meines Lebens." Conrad Feder
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Blaubeuren, Blautopf
yesterday a man talked to me: words vs. loneliness and mortality
an incessant run of them, unpunctuated,
speaking as if never anyone listened to him before, which i easily believe.
unfortunately i did, listen, and it was tiresome.
next to his wife standing on crutches, he mentioned three times:
which man would stay with such a wife..
then again half crying whilst re-narrating the burial of his father,
throwing all in one pot, childhood, parents, morals, marriage and duty,
internet, his former work as a baker, his far away and estranged 6 siblings,
rambling on and on about how clever he cares for quality of life at his age,
for me depending on what and who defines quality, unhappy as he was at root.
Then he was going on about his two artificial hips
and why we shouldn't pay money for nothing to refugees, on politics
and on the right to be free from suffering..more or less,
as he had been paying taxes and insurance all his life.
He continued with adversity to any medication just looking at it the same way as at
industrial food. i politely told him that e.g. diabetes or coronary heart disease
have side-effects just the same, and that i see medication as balancing one
evil against the other, if used wisely to be of possible benefit.
and though he had experienced differently, artificial joints, surgery on stomach,
he went on to behave as if a human cannot be wounded but by eating the wrong food
and taking medication and having surgery done to oneself.
Mortality appears difficult to look at when you see yourself in the mirror.
No, he kept on saying he smiles each morning at himself in the bathroom.
i guess he just bares his teeth ....just not but near growling.
a flood of words and mixed up context, an attack on the listener.
i managed to stay polite and patient but asked him to imagine once to live in a poor country
and then compare his status to the one he would have had there as a non-walking cripple,
then i asked him if he really believed what he said.
he didn't listen, of course he didn't.
a relief when he left..
ps: my 90 years old mother sitting next to me put her head to the side
and did what i learned from her:
she just looked as if she was listening
when she had long ago stopped,
i grinned at her and she reacted ever so slightly:
the best moment.
moving the tent: nothing to say
to dig a ditch
or move the tent
to dry land where
the sun shines
or leave the tent
and take a train
to nowhere
where i can be
me, nobody,
drunk from life
and headless
to sit like now
in moonlight
with nothing
on my mind
and a glass
in my hands
as empty
as me
who will be filled
with dreams
in sleep ending
with light
note:
beginning of holidays
Friday, August 19, 2016
Thursday, August 18, 2016
delusion and reality
the relationship between different and ever changing
contexts gives us the concept of delusion,
deep feeling inside cannot effect this, thought does it.
even a poem written half out and half in sleep
as greeting and present is not less true than
a call at lunchtime to announce the end
of the world. fortunately there was no call
like that today, only loads of work followed
by relaxation and meeting my horse.
not each poem must be art,
the "truth" of the present moment is enough.
emotional honesty is my gift and my task,
wisdom is where i go a bit more than before.
this is my call to me today, my diary.
what i meant and to say is nothing
Dr L Subramaniam ,Carnatic Violin
structure and rhythm into chaos and emptiness ....music...
The Quantum and the Lotus, Matthieu Ricard, Trinh Xuan R´Thuan, quotes, Each to his own reality
is in terms of interdependence between conscious and unconscious phenomena,
neither of which exists in absolute terms.
quote:..,Khyentse Rinpoche, put it this way:
"When a reflection appears in a mirror,
you cannot say that it is a part of the mirror, nor that it lies elsewhere.
In the same way, perceptions of exterior phenomena take place
neither in the mind nor outside.
Phenomena are not really existent or non-existent.
So the realization of the ultimate nature of things
lies beyond the concepts of being or nonbeing."
(page 123, chapter: Each to his own reality)
i question the word "things", see page 124:
quote: The literal meaning of samskara,
the Sanskrit word for "things" or "aggregates"
is "event" or "action".
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
African Meditation (1985)
Maracha Hospital
Uganda, 1985
A calm sea,mist in the valley
and no wind at all.
This veil,does it ever tear
and what do you want
in or out
or is it much the same?
Cut.
Flesh leaps to the side.
This now the cavity, open
and somehow too bright.
Then, the fingers gently probing,
does this tear?
Or cut again
expose the whole in parts,
connected contents of a hole
What will you find,
more perforations
and then?
In or out
or is it much the same?
Stitch.
Close up.
And cover the naked heart.
Why not.
A ray of light put on its proper course,
but will you bend the stars?
A sudden wind
shaking the fog
A light much too bright.
And then again
a day as calm as a calm sea.
Was a calm sea ever safe?
There
a spider lurking in the dark,
a patient pendulum,
and the moon settles to look at
you
And still this veil, these perforations,
clear enough.
Sleep now.
Wake tomorrow.
A rhythm of heart and breath.
Waves of a calm sea.
Good night.
Enthumanisierung und Gesundheitsreform (1989)
Van Gogh, On the verge of insanity, Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam
Bonga , mona ki ngi xica (Synapson remix)
not all i post has to be meaningful :-)
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Timothy Leary, quotes to think about
“If you listen to neurologists and psychiatrists, you'd never fall in love.”
"Any reality is an opinion-we make up our own reality”
"You have to go out of your mind to use your head."
Yuja Wang, Schubert,Liszt, Auf dem Wasser zu singen
Auf dem Wasser zu singen
Franz Schubert
Mitten im Schimmer der spiegelnden Wellen
Gleitet, wie Schwäne, der wankende Kahn:
Ach, auf der Freude sanftschimmernden Wellen
Gleitet die Seele dahin wie der Kahn;
Denn von dem Himmel herab auf die Wellen
Tanzet das Abendrot rund um den Kahn.
Über den Wipfeln des westlichen Haines
Winket uns freundlich der rötliche Schein;
Unter den Zweigen des östlichen Haines
Säuselt der Kalmus im rötlichen Schein;
Freude des Himmels und Ruhe des Haines
Atmet die Seel im errötenden Schein.
Ach, es entschwindet mit tauigem Flügel
Mir auf den wiegenden Wellen die Zeit;
Morgen entschwinde mit schimmerndem Flügel
Wieder wie gestern und heute die Zeit,
Bis ich auf höherem strahlendem Flügel
Selber entschwinde der wechselnden Zeit.