Dienstag, 16. September 2014

Human beings are not born once and for all

“Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, but … life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves.”
Gabriel Garcià Marquez

a monstrously egocentric arshole: writing it doesn't make it better

i realized now that i have grown into a monstrously egocentric arshole.
i hurt a friend in a difficult moment though i didn't want to.
but i knew i did.
i have no excuses.
i have to reflect more on this.
i am afraid that i cannot change it alone.
i shouldn't stay alone or better:
i shouldn't see myself alone
and i don't need to see myself so alone.
indeed, it is a circle.
i have to let it move into a spiral,
which can open.
habits out of living alone  for so long,
i maybe totally useless for any relationship.
i fail where i absolutely don't want to.
i fear whom i need.
i can be totally reliable for everybody else.
i am unstable as an old bomb rotting in the fields
with those i want near me;
if it is a nuclear relationhip,
meaning with a woman.
i will work on this.
it could lead to unwanted changes.
i could possibly want to shoot myself
or walk on water
or look for a lover in the milky way,
meaning: i leave.
but what i want to
is to work and walk together.
i might be fucking useless.
holding hands all day,
i want my hand to be held.
and i need it.
i know.


sun, good morning, thanks to readers

the sun is out.
i am out.
good morning!

thanks to all readers,
these days often around 380 a day, i am quite astonished.
i thought you people look only at pics and search for music.
some of you appear to read....
let me tell you, it will not help much,
but you're welcome.

Montag, 15. September 2014

clairvoyance is a poison

an inherited gift
i didn't ask for

"gift" is the
german word
for poison

and it is not
very nice
mixing up
dream and reality,

to err around
like a shadow
between shadows

and lose yourself
until you don't know
what is true
and what is not

it is not nice
to be
one's own ghost

it is very diffiuclt
to discern
and vision

Mozart - Piano Concerto No. 23 in A major, K. 488 (Maria João Pires)

better flow for my today weak kind of swimming,

started with struggling in blackwater

Mozart - Piano Concerto No. 20 in D minor, K. 466 (Maria João Pires)

so i try this one to climb out of the hole, or no, i will swim.....

now i have a house

now i have
a house
but no heart inside

i have a heart
but no walls around

i don't know
where i am,

near a river
where i watch
autumn leaves


no answer is answering.
looking for confusion
we will find it.

Chopin - Cello Sonata in G minor, Op. 65 (Maria João Pires & Pavel Gomzi...

"things" are as they are but i  know neither what they are nor what they mean to my life.

i even don't know who i am and what i "mean".

you can quote Dr.F's daily comment:

so what?

John Lennon - Gimme Some Truth (Lyrics)

i'm not even sick of this anymore. it is enough for me to be true to me and  to be myself.

remarks: concept of birth and death

i am not myself partularly concerned about birthdays.

i have a birthday each day, even when i don't notice,
but i try to experience this conscientiously.

there is no ground on which to walk for my soul,
there is no fixed path for my spirit to follow,
there is only a thin lifeline for my body to stay on this earth.
i am perishable as we all are.
i am hurt as we all are.
i was born naked, and i will die naked and i do love naked.

i have no plans. i repeat, i have no plans.

i am in confusion and clear at the same time, i feel lost, i feel and felt all this most days of my life.

i spend so much energy and myself all day, and coming home i need to go to my inner source,
using my own methods of  leaving, coming and being:
i see my dreams as dreams, my wishes as wishes, my fears as fears, my anger as anger and my irritation as irritation. i do not try to destroy these: i just let them be. and i let myself be.

when i cannot manage easily enough, i use writing.
i use it to put outward what is inside, then i let go.
a lonely communication with myself.

it is to die and to be born day for day.
it is called life.

and some days it would be so much easier to deal with this just with a smile and a hand to hold,
and some days it wouldn't be enough.
i know.

the joy of life, so precious.

you know.


and new ones

i had to walk
through fences
of living snakes

and formless
in dense shadow,

and it was
too much night
for shadow

and from darkness
into black
deep outside

and deep
thick sticky black

and when i saw
a light
i approached

and the window
led into
an abyss

it was

no escape

a test?

Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven live Crossroads 2013

who wants to be in heaven....i am here.
and why always tears.
but would you know my name?

Sonntag, 14. September 2014

the old pain has left

the old pain
has left,

the old pain
into my brain
has left.

there is none.

but joy and pain
go hand in hand.

i will have space
for new joy
and new pain.

i have hope for joy
and courage for pain.

there is space.

there are the sea,
the waves,
the wind.

there is wilderness,
waste land.
broom, lavender,
open soil

i need help
for my garden

where i want
to see the wild
horses run

and laugh,
i want to see
the horses laugh