clairvoyance is a poison

clairvoyance
an inherited gift
i didn't ask for

"gift" is the
german word
for poison

and it is not
very nice
mixing up
dream and reality,

to err around
like a shadow
between shadows

and lose yourself
until you don't know
what is true
and what is not

it is not nice
to be
one's own ghost


remark:
it is very diffiuclt
to discern
confusion
and vision

now i have a house

now i have
a house
but no heart inside

now
i have a heart
but no walls around

now
i don't know
where i am,

near a river
where i watch
autumn leaves

passing.
me.


remark:
no answer is answering.
looking for confusion
we will find it.

Chopin - Cello Sonata in G minor, Op. 65 (Maria João Pires & Pavel Gomzi...

"things" are as they are but i  know neither what they are nor what they mean to my life.

i even don't know who i am and what i "mean".

you can quote Dr.F's daily comment:

so what?

John Lennon - Gimme Some Truth (Lyrics)

i'm not even sick of this anymore. it is enough for me to be true to me and  to be myself.

remarks: concept of birth and death

i am not myself partularly concerned about birthdays.

i have a birthday each day, even when i don't notice,
but i try to experience this conscientiously.

there is no ground on which to walk for my soul,
there is no fixed path for my spirit to follow,
there is only a thin lifeline for my body to stay on this earth.
i am perishable as we all are.
i am hurt as we all are.
i was born naked, and i will die naked and i do love naked.

i have no plans. i repeat, i have no plans.

i am in confusion and clear at the same time, i feel lost, i feel and felt all this most days of my life.

i spend so much energy and myself all day, and coming home i need to go to my inner source,
using my own methods of  leaving, coming and being:
i see my dreams as dreams, my wishes as wishes, my fears as fears, my anger as anger and my irritation as irritation. i do not try to destroy these: i just let them be. and i let myself be.

when i cannot manage easily enough, i use writing.
i use it to put outward what is inside, then i let go.
a lonely communication with myself.

it is to die and to be born day for day.
it is called life.

and some days it would be so much easier to deal with this just with a smile and a hand to hold,
and some days it wouldn't be enough.
i know.

the joy of life, so precious.
laughter.
light.
sharing.
all.

you know.

nightmares

but
nightmares
return
and new ones
arise

i had to walk
through fences
of living snakes

and formless
demons
in dense shadow,

and it was
too much night
for shadow

and from darkness
into black
deep outside

and deep
inside
thick sticky black

and when i saw
a light
i approached

and the window
led into
an abyss

it was
below
and
above

there
was
no escape

am
I
a test?

Eric Clapton - Tears in Heaven live Crossroads 2013

who wants to be in heaven....i am here.
and why always tears.
but would you know my name?