diary note

nobody can be sadder than sad.
my soul has found no space with
another, all is distortion, vexation.
solitude is better, silence is better.
if it needs a fight, well, i can fight
and draw a line. not to conquer but to
be left alone.

Yo-Yo Ma , Bach, Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major, Prélude (Official Video)

Jeff Buckley , Forget Her (Official Music Video)

but to be a fool does not mean to be an idiot...just to be carried away,

to ride the wave though one knows about falling..

on I, diary note

i cannot be bad nor good.
I does not exist.
good or bad, it is just always one I,
not me my self nor important in any way.
I am happy I do not exist, this is not quite so:
Me my self is happy I does not exist.
Me can follow other paths.
and the I with which i walk around today
feels already a little less weight to carry.

Shunryu Suzuki,quote

"What we call "I" is just a swinging door which moves when we inhale and when we exhale."

Von meinem iPad gesendet

rain and poppies

Shunryu Suzuki , quote, Zen

‚This is the famous koan: Nangaku the disciple of the sixth patriarch, and grandson of (Nangaku), disciple of -- grandson of Nangaku was Basho, so Basho is the disciple of (Nangaku). Basho was sitting practicing zazen. He was a big man of great physical build. When he talked his tongue reached to his nose. His voice was loud and his zazen must be very good. And he was sitting like a great mountain. And Nangaku saw him sitting like a frog. Nangaku said, “What are you doing?”. “I’m practicing zazen.” “What is the purpose of zazen?” “I want to attain enlightenment and want to be a Buddha”, the disciple Basho said. Do you know what the teacher did? He picked up a tile and he started to polish it. (Here, to polish tile -- do you know in Japan, after we put tile into kiln -- or after taking out the tile from the kiln we polish it to make it-- that is the finish. Then you will have beautiful tile.) So Nangaku picked up a tile and started to polish it. But Basho, his disciple, saw him and asked, “What are you doing?” “I want to make a tile a jewel”, he said. “How is it possible to make a tile a jewel?, the disciple said. “How is it possible to become a Buddha by practicing zazen?” Nangaku said. And the disciple started thinking about what his teacher said. But the teacher continued his instructions. “Do you want to attain Buddhahood? There is no Buddhahood besides our ordinary mind. If you want to practice zazen, zazen is not -- true zazen is not a matter of sitting or lying down. Whatever you do, that is zazen. When a cart does not go which do you whip, the cart or the horse? Which do you whip?” the master asked.‘

diary note, confusion

it may be in order to suspect that a person who knows and talks much about narcissism
could be narcissistic, somebody who met many narcissistic people may have erred in judgement.

it is a difficult and complex view, just possibilities.

narcissism may root in old hurt leading to a need to be superior and closed in.
for another this can be a black hole, a wall, near impossible to go truly near:
fear will result, fear to be hurt more. in the end hurt will come, others can be hurt and reflect the
pain of hitting a wall.

it is more intelligent at times to leave.
nobody who can cut a knot will stay in bonds.

it is can be very sad when another loves, there is nothing to win often for both parts.
it is highly complex when the narcissist loves, this brings terror to him or her.
the other has to prove loving forever.

it is also not very intelligent or mature to despise other humans for their so called normality,
it kills the possibility of singularities meeting. in a way it reminds of teenagers wanting to be special.
and it gets as boring with time as being ..normal. whatever normal means.

it is suspicious when one is told to die and to be ego-less, it means you may be in the way of self-love. of  a way struggling for balance. and it is hard to be with somebody always floating and fighting you to stay on the surface...requesting harmony.
though of course it can be beautiful to float, alone or with another in trust.

to be always right, to say again and again that one is innocent, humble, on a path of
self-perfection ...to see all clear and know all..this sounds at least as egocentric as deluded.

to find a way so much to perfection that one will not be reborn...can only result in
more and more unhappiness and sounds the wrong way. meditation can have no such aim,
no aim at all, Buddha didn‘t  look for Nirvana. when the goal is wrong, the way will be wrong.
but as life works: there are always new openings,  new ends.

anyway, this is not on badness but on helplessness.
nothing bad. all is good and all is bad and all is one.