Saturday, July 23, 2016
to be open vs. integrity: the question of 'love' arriving
i will use she and her when i could say another person.
another person is not really "true".
long and not so long ago meeting i suddenly noticed : i am in love.
it shocked me, i didn't want it, then i felt elated with spaces opening
and at the same time a well founded fear.
and i opened all of me bit by bit, i was to welcome her.
it is always hard to see another person as she is:
at this point, this moment, with her past, in the flux of her own life,
depression, joy and craziness and day to day life.
by now it is more about time and space closing for me.
it is about me keeping my integrity.
me too, i am who i am, my soul, my mind, my past, my
calendar, my experience and my craziness.
i see we are very different and very related at the same time.
this i see as valuable.
the second could have brought as closer and the first can make us share.
our intentions from inside appear non-meeting anymore.
i said why keep up writing and ritual when we can meet and bear each other
only for 3 days. she said she cannot influence what and how i feel.
'something' came to a stop. though not a thing.
it may be temporary or a sign for an end.
i don't really know at all.
we all react. when i see a stone i may have time to
see and feel the stone, in the end i will step over or aside.
so it may be a reaction, not so permanent.
but i felt too much evasion and refusal and went through too many
ways to see me and my intention and person in ways in which
i do not wish to see myself.
it is not a relaxing way to be together, rules, borders,
conditions, evasion.
i may indeed fade away.
we are to each other how we act not how we feel.
i am quite conscious of this.
i am not her friend and will not be.
i have been in love for too long.
i have loved her and still can
but i cannot do this alone.
i love her essence and miss her for it.
and i miss how we could be together
in a silent peace.
i have found me and will stay with me, this is integrity
born out of experience and the will to survive the best way.
i wish to invite her in me and in the circles of days and nights
with me.
i don't see how this invitation will be carried by the postman.
these words mean nothing, only reflections, shadows on a river.
another person is not really "true".
long and not so long ago meeting i suddenly noticed : i am in love.
it shocked me, i didn't want it, then i felt elated with spaces opening
and at the same time a well founded fear.
and i opened all of me bit by bit, i was to welcome her.
it is always hard to see another person as she is:
at this point, this moment, with her past, in the flux of her own life,
depression, joy and craziness and day to day life.
by now it is more about time and space closing for me.
it is about me keeping my integrity.
me too, i am who i am, my soul, my mind, my past, my
calendar, my experience and my craziness.
i see we are very different and very related at the same time.
this i see as valuable.
the second could have brought as closer and the first can make us share.
our intentions from inside appear non-meeting anymore.
i said why keep up writing and ritual when we can meet and bear each other
only for 3 days. she said she cannot influence what and how i feel.
'something' came to a stop. though not a thing.
it may be temporary or a sign for an end.
i don't really know at all.
we all react. when i see a stone i may have time to
see and feel the stone, in the end i will step over or aside.
so it may be a reaction, not so permanent.
but i felt too much evasion and refusal and went through too many
ways to see me and my intention and person in ways in which
i do not wish to see myself.
it is not a relaxing way to be together, rules, borders,
conditions, evasion.
i may indeed fade away.
we are to each other how we act not how we feel.
i am quite conscious of this.
i am not her friend and will not be.
i have been in love for too long.
i have loved her and still can
but i cannot do this alone.
i love her essence and miss her for it.
and i miss how we could be together
in a silent peace.
i have found me and will stay with me, this is integrity
born out of experience and the will to survive the best way.
i wish to invite her in me and in the circles of days and nights
with me.
i don't see how this invitation will be carried by the postman.
these words mean nothing, only reflections, shadows on a river.
John Donohue, Beauty:The Invisible Embrace
quotes:
We live between the act of awakening and the act of surrender. Each morning we awaken to the light and the invitation to a new day in the world of time; each night we surrender to the dark to be taken to play in the world of dreams where time is no more. At birth we were awakened and emerged to become visible in the world. At death we will surrender again to the dark to become invisible. Awakening and surrender: they frame each day and each life; between them the journey where anything can happen, the beauty and the frailty.
Without any of the usual calculation, we can slip into the Beautiful with the same ease as we slip into the seamless embrace of water; something ancient within us already trusts that this embrace will hold us.
"There is a lovely disarray that comes with attraction. When you find yourself deeply attracted to someone, you gradually begin to lose your grip on the frames that order your life. Indeed, much of your life becomes blurred as that countenance comes into clearer focus. A relentless magnet draws all your thoughts towards it. Wherever you are, you find yourself thinking about the one who has become the horizon of your longing. When you are together, time becomes unmercifully swift. It always ends too soon. No sooner have you parted than you are already imagining your next meeting, counting the hours. The magnetic draw of that presence renders you delightfully helpless. A stranger you never knew until recently has invaded your mind; every fibre of your being longs to be closer."
We live between the act of awakening and the act of surrender. Each morning we awaken to the light and the invitation to a new day in the world of time; each night we surrender to the dark to be taken to play in the world of dreams where time is no more. At birth we were awakened and emerged to become visible in the world. At death we will surrender again to the dark to become invisible. Awakening and surrender: they frame each day and each life; between them the journey where anything can happen, the beauty and the frailty.
Without any of the usual calculation, we can slip into the Beautiful with the same ease as we slip into the seamless embrace of water; something ancient within us already trusts that this embrace will hold us.
"There is a lovely disarray that comes with attraction. When you find yourself deeply attracted to someone, you gradually begin to lose your grip on the frames that order your life. Indeed, much of your life becomes blurred as that countenance comes into clearer focus. A relentless magnet draws all your thoughts towards it. Wherever you are, you find yourself thinking about the one who has become the horizon of your longing. When you are together, time becomes unmercifully swift. It always ends too soon. No sooner have you parted than you are already imagining your next meeting, counting the hours. The magnetic draw of that presence renders you delightfully helpless. A stranger you never knew until recently has invaded your mind; every fibre of your being longs to be closer."
"Eros can take many forms. Sometimes it can be slow, subtle and indirect, building quietly without anyone else even suspecting. Sometimes it can come at you."
"It is always astonishing how love can strike. No context is love-proof, no convention or commitment impervious. Even a lifestyle which is perfectly insulated, where the personality is controlled, all the days ordered and all actions in sequence, can to its own dismay find that an unexpected spark has landed; it begins to smoulder until it is finally unquenchable. The force of Eros always brings disturbance; in the concealed terrain of the human heart Eros remains a light sleeper".
"Huge differences may separate us, yet they are exactly what draw us to each other. It is as though forged together we form one presence, for each of us has half of a language that the other seeks. When we approach each other and become one, a new fluency comes alive. A lost world retrieves itself when our words build a new circle. While the call to each other is exciting and intoxicating in its bond of attraction, it is exceptionally complex and tender and, handled indelicately, can bring incredible pain. We can awaken in each other possibilities beyond our wildest dreams. The conversation of togetherness is a primal and indeed perennial conversation. Despite the thousands of years of human interaction, it all begins anew, as if for the first time, when two people fall in love. The force of their encounter makes a real clearance; through the power of Eros they discover the beauty in each other. Stretching the power of Eros they discover the beauty in each other. Stretching across the distance towards each other, they begin to awaken all the primal echoes where nothing can be presumed but almost everything can be expected."
"One could write a philosophy of beauty using the family of concepts which includes glimpse, glance, touch, taste and whisper, all of which suggest a special style of attention which is patient and reverent, content with a suggestion or a clue and then willing through its own imagination to fill out the invitation to beauty."
"The instinct, rhythm and radiance of the human body come alive vividly when we make love. We slip down into a more ancient penumbral rhythm where the wisdom of the body claims its own grace, ease and joy. The act of love is rich in symbolism and ambivalence. It arises on that temporary, total threshold between solitude and intimacy, skin and soul, feeling and thought, memory and future. When it is a real expression of love, it can become an act of great beauty which brings celebration, wonder, delight, closeness and shelter. The old notion of the soul being hidden somewhere deep within the body serves only to intensify the loneliness of the love act as the attempt of two solitudes to bridge their distance. However, when we understand that the body is in the soul, intimacy and union seem unavoidable because the soul as the radiance of the body is already entwined with the lover."
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