as all of us i have gone through true and inner catharsis,
tranformative, but with losses and cripplement.
my deepest wish was another human to meet me and allow
me and herself nakedness in a cathartic purification
and reconciliation with the forces of life and karma,
without judgement, opinions. alone it means i accept me
as i am, together it means i am accepted and accept,
the welcome in the face of pain, hurt, sadness, dirt, all wrong done.
this is communion. from there i should find joy, trust and peace,
and could give it. trusting i could flow 'together',
else i only flow alone, a small streamlet in a densely overgrown forest,
losing itself in a river not so far away.
anybody can call this a concept, unreal.
i see no other way, all must be naked one time and not only true,
or persons stay submarines to each other.
i see this not as a pre-condition for daily life and sharing
but as elementary for the formation of a lasting relationship.
catharsis here does not mean war but letting go of shells and patterns
and control in a prolonged moment of trust.
not more and not less than to let be..
i must be too bad, it will not happen.
i am too bad, sunken too deeply in me and my need.
it appears obvious that i cannot give,
i can be in love but i cannot love or better, i cannot stay loving.
i am filled with shame and at the same time with an acceptance of me,
also with a deep affection and sun and the perception of another:
but i do not trust.
my skin is too thin and too thick.
this takes me to the ways of thinking and circling.
i think when two people know before they will make the other
unhappy they should go their own way and not meet anymore.
a relationship dominated by this omen and by fears cannot grow
openly.
this is my diary.
it doesn't sum up my life nor me.
it is by far not all i feel and am.
and yes, i am ...'romantic' when somebody likes to characterize this.
