unhappiness and self-destruction:stages of a diary

pills, sleep, drugs, alcohol, tears, poems, music,
nothing helps:
i remain tortured inside, hurt,
it comes, it goes, it comes.
i walked out of my need day for day,
but i am still here, me, of course,
alone.

i find it very very hard,
out of this confusion,
to find to the essence of me,
to calm consciousness,
acceptance, to the source
of life and to inner freedom.

i walked out of me for a you,
to be present, aware.
i even walked over me,
and this feels wrong.

i had cried for help, once,
there was only blackness,
a cold place in the universe,
indifference.
i tried to forget, i forgave.
i remember how i had thought for a short moment
i am understood and how happy i then walked the road,
playing with children and dogs.
it was an error.

yes, there are good days,
they are not enough days
and even time does not solve everything:
time does exist only in the mind,
and the experience of this is different in each mind.
mind and body go through a process
of dying, this is what time is about.
the soul has no time.

i can feel joy, i can love
and give, but i cannot
go on walking over me.
i am too heavy.

i can do nothing,
i feel immobilized,
i must shut up and rest.
and do what must be done.

will there ever
be another way,
non-speaking,
silent?

i wish for a place
without words
with this you.
i still wish.
it may be wrong to wish.


then i must be my own you.

light

another poem i didn't want to write

due to a state of mild drunkenness

i did anyway

I went into the sea

i thought of you.

my skin is salty,

i want to taste yours

what is tomorrow?

i went to listen

to a woman sing

like a siren but near

i went to a bar

dark hunters

with conspirational

smiles and sad ladies

only few danced

but the music

this was good,

an earthy rhythm

from far away,

with strong spices,

melancholy and

a voice of joy

i came up

above the roofs,

i want raindrops

to fall on your hair

want to rest

my soul in you

and snow to fall

on my thoughts

i want to bury 

my face in your scent,

sleep with the waves

of your breathing

your sadness

is now mine

and all is sworn in

against us

i hope for autumn

to turn all gold

and clear and cool

as tender kisses

now is summer

never our time

and spring

was pain

i sit under trees,

always in between,

i love, i wish,

i think i am alive