Glen Hansard , The Closing Door

a door closing opens the other side

Ceasornicul, The Clock, Grigoras Dinicu

Grigoras Dinicu , Recital

Jeff Buckley , Lover, You Should've Come Over (from Live in Chicago)

not lover, not at all..'romantic', just likes the music

Marcus Aurelius, quote

‚For a man can lose neither the past nor the future; 
for how can one take from him that which is not his?‘

diary note

giving all i wanted all, i gave my hand
and longed for the same.
i didn‘t want one thing, not at all, i wished for all-
and now as so often before -even after the ‚end‘ - all is
distorted in incredible ugliness. i didn‘t know
how to stop it . this i did badly- hurtful- but it was
necessary to stop, for me. and obviously better so.
still sad.

sisyphos didn‘t complain

Sisyphos didn‘t complain
o he was a wise man
he heaved it up
watched it roll down

carried and heaved
this heavy  stone,
again and again,
each step just being

exactly that, another step,
Sisyphos was a wise man,
never giving up because
he did what he did

without looking for sense,
he breathed, all labour,
all inside the All,
out of the universe

he took this energy,
the flow and the weight
in balance, one breath,
no past, no future, all

forever now, forever
this hill and this stone.
one thought could have
made his fate unbearable.

he was a wise man,
Sisyphos didn‘t complain.
he didn’t think if
he could stop and go

he knew and kept silent:
nothing makes sense,
there is no meaning,
what is so, it is so.

though tomorrow
Sisyphos may think.
and then this stone
may hit my senseless head

diary note

nobody can be sadder than sad.
my soul has found no space with
another, all is distortion, vexation.
solitude is better, silence is better.
if it needs a fight, well, i can fight
and draw a line. not to conquer but to
be left alone.

Yo-Yo Ma , Bach, Cello Suite No. 1 in G Major, Prélude (Official Video)

Jeff Buckley , Forget Her (Official Music Video)

but to be a fool does not mean to be an idiot...just to be carried away,

to ride the wave though one knows about falling..

on I, diary note

i cannot be bad nor good.
I does not exist.
good or bad, it is just always one I,
not me my self nor important in any way.
I am happy I do not exist, this is not quite so:
Me my self is happy I does not exist.
Me can follow other paths.
and the I with which i walk around today
feels already a little less weight to carry.

Shunryu Suzuki,quote

"What we call "I" is just a swinging door which moves when we inhale and when we exhale."

Von meinem iPad gesendet

rain and poppies

Shunryu Suzuki , quote, Zen

‚This is the famous koan: Nangaku the disciple of the sixth patriarch, and grandson of (Nangaku), disciple of -- grandson of Nangaku was Basho, so Basho is the disciple of (Nangaku). Basho was sitting practicing zazen. He was a big man of great physical build. When he talked his tongue reached to his nose. His voice was loud and his zazen must be very good. And he was sitting like a great mountain. And Nangaku saw him sitting like a frog. Nangaku said, “What are you doing?”. “I’m practicing zazen.” “What is the purpose of zazen?” “I want to attain enlightenment and want to be a Buddha”, the disciple Basho said. Do you know what the teacher did? He picked up a tile and he started to polish it. (Here, to polish tile -- do you know in Japan, after we put tile into kiln -- or after taking out the tile from the kiln we polish it to make it-- that is the finish. Then you will have beautiful tile.) So Nangaku picked up a tile and started to polish it. But Basho, his disciple, saw him and asked, “What are you doing?” “I want to make a tile a jewel”, he said. “How is it possible to make a tile a jewel?, the disciple said. “How is it possible to become a Buddha by practicing zazen?” Nangaku said. And the disciple started thinking about what his teacher said. But the teacher continued his instructions. “Do you want to attain Buddhahood? There is no Buddhahood besides our ordinary mind. If you want to practice zazen, zazen is not -- true zazen is not a matter of sitting or lying down. Whatever you do, that is zazen. When a cart does not go which do you whip, the cart or the horse? Which do you whip?” the master asked.‘

diary note, confusion

it may be in order to suspect that a person who knows and talks much about narcissism
could be narcissistic, somebody who met many narcissistic people may have erred in judgement.

it is a difficult and complex view, just possibilities.

narcissism may root in old hurt leading to a need to be superior and closed in.
for another this can be a black hole, a wall, near impossible to go truly near:
fear will result, fear to be hurt more. in the end hurt will come, others can be hurt and reflect the
pain of hitting a wall.

it is more intelligent at times to leave.
nobody who can cut a knot will stay in bonds.

it is can be very sad when another loves, there is nothing to win often for both parts.
it is highly complex when the narcissist loves, this brings terror to him or her.
the other has to prove loving forever.

it is also not very intelligent or mature to despise other humans for their so called normality,
it kills the possibility of singularities meeting. in a way it reminds of teenagers wanting to be special.
and it gets as boring with time as being ..normal. whatever normal means.

it is suspicious when one is told to die and to be ego-less, it means you may be in the way of self-love. of  a way struggling for balance. and it is hard to be with somebody always floating and fighting you to stay on the surface...requesting harmony.
though of course it can be beautiful to float, alone or with another in trust.

to be always right, to say again and again that one is innocent, humble, on a path of
self-perfection ...to see all clear and know all..this sounds at least as egocentric as deluded.

to find a way so much to perfection that one will not be reborn...can only result in
more and more unhappiness and sounds the wrong way. meditation can have no such aim,
no aim at all, Buddha didn‘t  look for Nirvana. when the goal is wrong, the way will be wrong.
but as life works: there are always new openings,  new ends.

anyway, this is not on badness but on helplessness.
nothing bad. all is good and all is bad and all is one.

Pearl Jam , Just Breathe (unofficial video)

there are friends...and there is all the universe with me

diary note

how can you know another human deeply without open communication, without
being allowed  and asked to enter.
and how would an unwanted child be happy..? only because.

Keb' Mo' , She Just Wants To Dance (Live at Farm Aid 1999)

Taj Mahal & Keb' Mo' , Diving Duck Blues

The Seekers ,The Water Is Wide 1964

boat for me..feels like drowning a bit

The Seekers, I'll Never Find Another You (1967)

dreams may come true, it is possible, so i thought...but we are all filled with

poison running out of old wounds...and conflict usually wins

Kitaro , Reimei

illusion and thanks

thanks to a very special..person for the continued, repeated and final destruction of
illusion-
and i thank me for the insight that energy cannot be wasted.

i must remind me of the last two weeks....remember when the poison of hope and
the burden of faith should approach me ever again.

please, love, spare me, i cannot stand you.

at least love is not more dangerous than life, life always is.
let us live it.

i thank me for being prepared to die and for being ready to be reborn into each moment.
we are..all.. in one river. we are the river. we are God, so to speak, some say Buddha, i have no name.
no one is, we are together with all alive.

what remains is to breathe.
Conrad, i said today, don't forget to breathe, count, count, breathe, breathe
-and let the shit go...all all passes, we all pass.

i go talk to trees, to wind.
i am absolutely not able nor willing to have another relationship in my life,
this walk through two childhoods, this fighting, i need my integrity.

and my sleep, my forgetting...

breathe, count, be me.

Herbert Grönemeyer , Bochum (Official Music Video)

i  lived there, did my medical course there at university, the pre-clinical part,

then Essen. After..UK..etc

Crannóg 11 had to come out: help of friends

the wait for rain

waiting for rain

the heat is on

i look into green

all grown wild

jungle, grass and roses

it is so hot

i know rain can come

only with thunder,

with storm, lightning

will be messenger

of what i need, 

rain, water, cooling 

the earth is thirsty

the soil, the plants, 

i am dry

i stare and wait

for thunder

because i wait

for rain

and for the scent 

and silence after

stars in my garden, grace of gravity, beauty near death and grass winking

garden&distances

sphere-s

Giant Octopus

Anne Sophie-Mutter , Mendelssohn Violin Concerto in E minor, Op.64

Leonard Cohen , Love Calls You By Your Name

no women in my scrapbook, have no scrap...

Beethoven , Cello Sonata No. 3 in A major, Op. 69 (Paul Tortelier & Eric...

love this deeply

OPA TSUPA , Rien

Dalai Lama , Great Death-conquering MahaMrityunjayaMantra, Rigveda

Marc Wittmann, quote on addiction

In addiction, time becomes arrhythmic. When intoxicated by a stimulant, thoughts and actions speed up from their ordinary rate but the brain fails to encode these sped-up experiences as proper memories. During withdrawal, the opposite happens — time dilates and expands. Hyperfocus on the present craving for the drug makes the tortuous physical symptoms seem interminable and a dependency-free future seem infinitely distant. Wittmann sums up the cruel temporal trap of addiction:

'In a state of addiction the individual loses his or her temporal freedom — the freedom to choose between present and future opportunities.'

Marc Wittman, brainpickings.org

note: i smoke much too much...

Hymn to Time, Ursula K. Le Guin

Time says “Let there be”
every moment and instantly
there is space and the radiance
of each bright galaxy.

And eyes beholding radiance.
And the gnats’ flickering dance.
And the seas’ expanse.
And death, and chance.

Time makes room
for going and coming home
and in time’s womb
begins all ending.

Time is being and being
time, it is all one thing,
the shining, the seeing,
the dark abounding.

bridges

bridges between people may arise out of the waters. mostly though they must be built from both sides.
i died building, with my last will i pushed, something collapsed,
and i stood up out of the flood, blood smeared, shouting into the wind, another me, whispering now in the void.

Von meinem iPhone gesendet

Leonard Cohen , One of Us Cannot Be Wrong

Leonard Cohen , Hey, That's No Way to Say Goodbye

Asaf Avidan , Love it or Leave it

Asaf Avidan & The Mojos , your anchor

Finley Quaye , Falling

CHET BAKER , Laura

Beethoven',Spring Sonata, Op.24

Zakir Hussain, Horse Running

Bird's Teardrops , Peia Luzzi, Estas Tonne

Anoushka Shankar , Dancing in Madness

Qais Essar, Transmutation

Afghani Rabab,Valley, Folksong

Afghani Rabab , Cello, Yaron Peer

Peter Gabriel , Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan,Passion

Black Rebel Motorcycle Club , Beat the Devil's Tattoo

Schubert , Ludwig Olshansky, Impromptu in C major D. 899 n°1

Oistrakh, Oborin ,Beethoven, Violin Sonata No.5, Op.24

boat trip yesterday

Tracy Chapman , If Not Now

Yehudi Menuhin , Violin Concerto in D Major, op 61, Beethoven

Oistrakh,Oborin , Beethoven, Violin Sonata No.9, Op.47, Kreutzer

Tracy Chapman , Where The Soul Never Dies - 11/3/1991 - Golden Gate Park...

Tracy Chapman , All That You Have Is Your Soul

Oh my mama told me 
'Cause she say she learned the hard way 
Say she want to spare the children 
She say don't give or sell your soul away 
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Don't be tempted by the shiny apple 
Don't you eat of a bitter fruit 
Hunger only for a taste of justice 
Hunger only for a world of truth 
'Cause all that you have is your soul

I was a pretty young girl once 
I had dreams I had high hopes 
I married a man he stole my heart away 
He gave his love but what a high price I paid 
And all that you have is your soul

Don't be tempted by the shiny apple 
Don't you eat of a bitter fruit 
Hunger only for a taste of justice 
Hunger only for a world of truth 
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Why was I such a young fool 
Thought I'd make history 
Making babies was the best I could do 
Thought I'd made something that could be mine forever 
Found out the hard way one can't possess another 
And all that you have is your soul

Don't be tempted by the shiny apple 
Don't you eat of a bitter fruit 
Hunger only for a taste of justice 
Hunger only for a world of truth 
'Cause all that you have is your soul

I thought, thought that I could find a way 
To beat the system 
To make a deal and have no debts to pay 
I'd take it all take it all I'd run away 
Me for myself first class and first rate 
But all that you have is your soul

Don't be tempted by the shiny apple 
Don't you eat of a bitter fruit 
Hunger only for a taste of justice 
Hunger only for a world of truth 
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Here I am I'm waiting for a better day 
A second chance 
A little luck to come my way 
A hope to dream a hope that I can sleep again 
And wake in the world with a clear conscience and clean hands 
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Don't be tempted by the shiny apple 
Don't you eat of a bitter fruit 
Hunger only for a taste of justice 
Hunger only for a world of truth 
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Oh my mama told me 
'Cause she say she learned the hard way 
Say she want to spare the children 
She say don't give or sell your soul away 
'Cause all that you have is your soul

All that you have 
All that you have 
All that you have 
Is your soul

Schubert, Trio, op. 100 , Andante con moto

Yehudi Menuhin, Beethoven, Violin Concerto, D major, Op.61

Jose Feliciano , Listen to the falling rain

Los Lobos , Prenda Del Alma

who listens?

here is the rain,

the rain, the rain,

the rain.

i wish i would sway

in the wind, sway

like a tree in the sky.

i froze, my face froze,

my heart closed,

i am a stone, me buried,

pain buried, all.

i had to die, maybe

now the sun will warm

this stone,

maybe a child will

embrace,

maybe there can be grace

all i feel is far,

weird empty space

and my heaviness,

heavy, a stone’s weight,

so far from tenderness.

maybe after all

there can be release

but i cannot say please:

who listens?

all is green, green,

green...

so green

Kerry, Caha mountains, Glengarriff, Bamboo Garden, Healy Pass

Abel Korzeniowski , Table for Two

When I Reach The Place I'm Going , Wild Rose (2019)

Ladies View,Killarney, Ross Castle,Kerry, Ireland