some of my more secret background

i tried so far to keep it low.

but why? why should I?

i grew up with my father teaching me on H.Blavatsky, Theosophy, Paracelsus.

I was told as a child that the true meaning of the story of Jesus Christ goes with the initiation rites of the early gnostics.

Also it was explained to me that we are bound to a world and a body we must see as "material" though they are not, matter is an illusion. The cross stands first for this, a travel during which we are bound to suffer being perishable. And that death and sleep and even at times making love are gates. Transcendence,transformation, cycles, rhythm, waves: nothing bad about sleep, death. Other ways of life.

That it is not blood and suffering which brought love into the world:

I took this to school, and i had very serious discussions with my teacher. In the end he gave up, said: You have to believe.

I don't believe when i cannot.

I was told not to stick to fear nor to guilt,
not to be influenced by vengeance and threats.

i was taught that all religions originate in one only, as all languages must have their origin in one.

i was taught Latin and parts of Sanskrit, loads of etymology and i was told so

many myths and fairy stories.

i was filled with magic, Kabbalah, astrology, Chakras, avatars, Gautama Buddha,
and i was introduced into the hierarchies of our universe. 

i was taught to question and to look for a true meaning in my own life,
for truth, love and self knowledge.
i was taught to be silent and breathe.

i learned to try with whatever sadness and trouble to go the way of
tvat tvam asi, explained to me to look in the other one in which way he is related to me
and the other way round. i kept this.

it is a way to deeper understanding and to love,
but it certainly can be a way through repulsion
and even through hate.

i was eager to learn, filled with wonder, with longing for knowledge and a desire to see
and to grow in my abilities.

a child. and  maybe i still can be...

up to this day, not only because of having been a rebel and not only because of having
gone through and having tried out all possibilities of spiritual death,
i have a problem with the image of hierarchies. it appears untrue to me. 

is a tree higher developed than a stone or just differently?
is the moon a lower being than the sun?

i could agree that to find a way in which kindness grows and more serenity and light
can permeate my being and emanate from my presence is a good walk.
it will not make me 'higher'. 

but it can change life, call it destiny, fate or karma.

well, i am not sure about higher and lower. i put it to the side.

i want peace more than an opinion.

the only way is the way of the heart, for me.

This is why i would possibly rather feel related to the early gnostics (not gnosticism)
than to any church. 

to define a god, to me it appears as foolishness.

and i still believe, ja, must believe in a common origin and relatedness
and connectedness of ALL beings, religions, languages. 

and mind you, i like The Little Prince...and i would like to be his friend.

http://library.abundanthope.org/index_htm_files/The_Little_Prince.pdf