intuition?

i fell asleep on my terrace.
somehow i learn again to admit what i need
and to let it happen, like sleep.
for some time this year following a severe acute
and dangerous illness and emotional upheaval
i used benzos, they are no good for me nor can
i imagine they are good for anyone.
for me, they make me aggressive at day
as they suppress at night and day
what is going on in me, so i cannot reach me and
deal with it nor let it happen in the light of consciousness-
then it attacks me in total suddenness and finds me helpless.
i hate this drug.

then went to see my horse, Ogro, joined him grassing, i didn't eat
grass though :-)

now on my terrace still a bit numb but remembering me.
i must trust intuition even when i have no faith.
in one i have faith, i will always follow my heart,
though for sure it is not always immediately good for me.
i cannot see another path through life.
else all looks pale and without anima,
ghosts and ideas and skeletons of dismembered humanity.

so i am here with a full moon and an aching in me
in the confusion of  my life. i feel, i am.