was a numb day: says i felt numbed

i stand still, see my grey and bleak tracks in the snow, all light dimmed
by a dark winter's day.
A cold wind attacking the bamboo in my brother's garden,
my family safely inside.
At night there has been a storm bending the trees behind my house..
still, i stand and see me next to me,
not inside but in exile even quite physically.

i remember i am here with a soft beautiful hope, a bud
hidden in the deep, but i cannot reach me, not now.

living in the memory of  this, alive for days,
alive, alive,
now seeing i am in transition.
there are no promises, and i trust only in me.


and even when a kiss,  embrace and softness
will be tender signs of flowering,
and even though i feel a hope born
and faith hovering on my windowsill,
and even when i know i am not lost
nor given up,
and though i am not waiting
but in a time of probation where i must
take and give the time for the soul taking seed,
even though i feel flashbacks of injury, hurt,
obscenity and dissection, the pain of deprivation in soul
and skin for too long and for too often,
even though i fall in traps and feel numb,
i don't fall so deeply now.

to be in love is salt and pepper, it is a gate to joy and pain and
stays alive with recognition of essence.

to love is a process not a statement.

i always knew and now experienced that  openness to hurt
and the will to understand each other are the first steps from where to
walk on, wheresoever. i don't know.

i never knew and maybe i never will.

one i know, to avoid essential conflict is a brake
destroying  impulse, intention and spontaneity, two i know that floating
on the water's surface  in bad weather is near to drowning, three i know
is that integrity paired with an ability to see the other one's is a fundament
and four i know that this integrity is not the same now than yesterday.
and five i know that it is a sin not to follow one's heart.

but, today, with my over-sensitivity  for storms coming, always,
storms, moon, earthquakes,
i had been next to me, taken by migraine and an unexplainable
numbness on which the snow fell all day.

on days like this, i rebel against my own civilization, i bear a deep disgust for politeness,
i should so much like to be at least sometimes primitive, a wíld animal running the
forests and fields-no doubt, thought and self consciousness clouding my immediate
being and will and disturbing my sleep.
and in this condition i am always again surprised by the flow
of kindness from others and from even me. i cannot see the source in me now.
but it gives me a smile.

my grandson was here with sweet trust ,open, playful, imitating and creating,
singing, flowing like a  joyous streamlet.
it feels so wrong, so weird, to stand next to me again and again
in the mid of all this happening.

as said before, egocentricity is a bourgeois luxury and misery and
makes me rightly feel a shit.

so, i am not unhappy, and i go to sleep, giving up to mirror myself
and letting me go in the rivers of life and transition,
trusting that i won't stop breathing.
and nearer..closer...to me,to all and to  who is "you" in your transition.
maybe.