still, i would listen

but left alone..as i prepared to be..
i think or feel and don't know what is right-
is it not better to be liked for who i am
than to be loved for who i am not?

is it not maybe at least easier to stay within a realistic set of expectations
and warm welcome than to go acting out of me trying to reach
the impossible, better to feel well than to need to permanently control emotions,
suffer frustration and hide my weakness and my longing?
Is it truly necessary to wish what is by all instinct and intuition unreachable?

the ways of karmic causes are terrible at times. they take us to the limit.
recognition of essence, the unstoppable call to love, love itself,  it has changed all my life now
for years, it has nearly killed me and it has often turned me as destructive as it has transformed me in a better man and given me deep insight, feeling, often mindfulness, joy  and flowing clearness.

it has not given me a home in this world, and maybe it was never meant to be this way.

i would listen...for the offer of a home.

Presence is the highest or purest from of love or so... i was once told- i mean to remember it is nearing a quote by Simone Weil, "Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity"-
well, ..yes, generosity ..

I should feel more comfortable with a full presence including the honesty of emotion and the closeness of mutual trust and protection  together with the physical warmth of soul and touch in which i can find rest and peace and forgiveness  in embrace of who i am and not of somebody i should be in an undefined future.
i cannot live from drinking spirit and eating my self.
i run, i pushed.

i may have failed with my reactions, but i can only remain true  in rebellion.
when i shiver, i shiver.
i try not to be bitter and to remain human and live with kindness.
i tell this to myself tonight.
this is the only listener.

don't know where i go.
i have not been called.
but i can still walk.